Memorable Naija Scandals of 2014

Dance steps are usually not associated with shame or scandal, but when your president goes to Kano to dance after nearly 100 people were murdered under his nose then does a bit of drumming in Oyo; then dance steps have lost their myrhic relevance. A greater scandal is when a false alarm is sent to Interpol to intercept a certain Aminu Oguche only for courts to set him free for lack of evidence.
Buildings collapse in Naija like leaves in fall, but when the presidential and gubernatorial prophets need to enlarge their scam empire they take building permits for granted. Permits are for lesser mortals. But when the building collapses especially on miracle-seeking pilgrims of other nationalities, the story changes. In Lagos, the governor went on condolence visit, later followed by the president. Note the difference between Raji Fashola and President Jones; the latter went to Maiduguri in solidarity with his beleaguered colleague; President Jones has been going to Chad with his senator friend, not to Chibok where his compassion is required.
They say there is no enmity in the church, the bishop prays and the congregation says amen. In 2014, Naija doubled a monetary scandal in South Africa when CAN president, Ayo Orishajefo leased his private jet for one who has nine. Inside the jet was $9.3 million, but while our mouths were still agape at such official asininity, another $5.7 million surfaced. It was said that we wanted to buy arms from the black market in South Africa because we have no integrity to buy in real arms market. President Jones and his NSA took the bullet for the showbiz bishop and head of the Christian wing of the ruining party.
It is scandalous when nearly 300 schoolgirls disappear from a country with an army, police, customs etc. But a shepopotamus takes the news to the swamp snorting – there is God o, things have really gotten bad. The shame doubles when Michele Obama holds a poster saying – #BringBackOurGirls while our president tweeted a picture of himself and his own children – he doesn’t give a damn.
Baron de Montesquieu must be shaking in rage in his grave. He did not foresee Suleiman Abba acting as three-in-one when he first smoked rebels and later attempted to strip their Speaker of his title in a country where men and women are nothing if they have no title. But such scandalous behaviour are rewarded with promotions and transfers in the centre of Mbunity. Joseph Mbu added another feather to his shame-studded custodian helmet when he pounced on an innocent journalist for calling him by his middle name – controversial.
Under pedestrian bridges, Naija soldiers have been known for their gallantry in whipping healing into those whose arthritis and patellofemoral syndrome prevent them from climbing stairs. But if you want to make a pot-bellied general remember his nappy days, mention Boko Haram and see his frontal balloon attempt to outrun Usain Bolt. Our armchair generals have not moved anywhere near Boko territory since the insurgency began, instead their comedian in chief is promoting them out of battle relevance. The scandal is that they want their footmen to fight bullets with stones and stop howitzers with incantations and when the boys run, they set up kangaroo courts to hang them. If you see a pot-bellied general, please play Mama Peace’s tape to them – there is God o.
If you want to see Gudjoe’s soldiers on active duty, drive towards military checkpoints or wait until they have a stake in elections. Suddenly they are kitted in their ceremonial best, eyes oozing ‘order’ better than Fela could have sung it.
Ekiti kete was until recently the fountain of knowledge. It is now the international headquarters of stomach infrastructure. What is the use of fat degrees when those who have questionable ones are holding the highest offices in the land? Why have a professor as governor who spends money building roads and infrastructure for starving people instead of giving them branded bags of rice, kegs of groundnut oil and recently some chicken to go with it?
A national scandal and embarrassment rolled into one is when an ex-president who failed at Third Term writes the second in his unholy trinity of infamy. First there was My Command, now there is My Watch – all from the stable of This Animal Called Man. Folks, may your 2015 be free of scandals!