A marriage in crisis is stressful for all the parties involved, especially children. If you find yourself wondering whether you should remain in a marriage only for the sake of your children, then you could be on the threshold of making a poor decision. Many couples believe that staying together for the kids’ sake is a noble, appropriate, beneficial decision, but this is not always the case.
“Staying for the sake of the children depends on your situation. If you are in a relationship that is riddled with abuses in any form, you do not need to think twice but to get out of that relationship as staying on will only do more damage than harm especially to the kids. If you are truly not happy, how do you expect the children to be happy? If you do not feel safe, then your children will certainly feel unsafe. of what is the use of staying for their sake? I once was in that situation and I must tell you no matter how much you try to turn white into black, it still remains the same because at the end the kids will definitely not be happy, so what’s the point” says Morinike Badmus.
It is generally accepted that children learn both good and dysfunctional patterns and characters from their parents. The question is what do kids learn from an abusive marriage and what do they learn from their parents who sacrifice their own happiness for their children?
“As hard as it would be for your kids if you left them, it is harder for them if you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. You are only teaching them to stay on in an abusive relationship even if their life is at stake. No one wants to leave a home she has toiled and laboured for and allow any other woman to take over. You do not know how you kids will be treated by the other woman or even your husband. But if the worse comes to be one has to leave. You are better alive than dead to your kids, of what use is your dead body to them? To me if I try everything to make things work and it is failing, I will definitely opt for divorce, if he does no need me alive my children do,” said Onyinye Obinna.
You may find yourselves confused about how much trauma your children will suffer from a possible divorce but you cannot run away from the emotional health risk your kids will be exposed to at the expense of the divorce.
Divorce is not the only traumatic result of a relationship. In many cases, staying together for the kids can be damaging. Yes, divorce separates families, but in some cases it can create a more stable environment for children. Happy parents usually equal happy children. From the kids’ perspective, you are not helping them by staying in a miserable marriage. You are only allowing them to be miserable, too. If you choose to stay, do not tell them that you are doing it for them. They do not need to be blamed for your decision as it will only make them more miserable.
The question of remaining married for the children’s sake is equivalent to asking, is it about you or is it about them? In the scheme of things, who comes first? And on an emotional level, whose feelings are more fragile? As for Hajia Rahama Ibrahim, she said “ my kids come first, no matter the circumstances I will stay for the kids, there will only be problem if I am not financially independent, because I will have to ask for almost everything from him which will only aggravate the situation. If I have my own income I will stay and focus on my kids. I will definitely not leave them for anybody, whatever he feels he can do up to him. My kids are my number one priority, I will definitely not abandon my kids with him.”
“It is a pity the way things have degenerated so much in our generation, we often think our happiness is all that matters, and that is not true. The truth is the kids’ happiness is all that matters. No matter what, we will definately face obstacles in our marriages. The same way our mothers stayed for our sake so should we be able to stay for our kids, no matter what. When you leave, your mind will never be at rest as you would always reflect on what situation they may be I believe that parents should stay together for the sake of the kids in all situations.”
Staying married for the children’s sake is a burning question that divorcing couples have to grapple with. Granted, there is no point staying together when husband and wife no longer love each other but when children are involved, the dynamics are different. For some reasons, people think that divorcing is worse for the kids. I do not think we give our kids enough credit. They can see when you are unhappy and in pain. If you feel that you can take care of yourself better and be happy without your spouse, maybe that route is best for you and your kids.
“Unhappy relationships is the biggest causes of stress in our lives, and stress eventually kills. If one is unhappy and have tried to remedy the situation no avail, they should get out of it as quickly as possible, if they truly value themselves and their existence. But to me, the most important gift a father can offer his kids is to love their mother and by so doing every other thing will fall in place, that is one mistake I made until I lost what I had,” said Mr Anthony Andy. So, the big question remains what is at stake, if you remain or leave?
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