Man or child?

A viral clip on Twitter last week was of an adult woman telling other (married) adult women that when their husbands cheat, the fault is theirs because they are responsible for their husband’s behaviour. These wives are also responsible for their own behaviour which should be impeccable. They are expected to be in control of their emotions and  their actions, and be sure not to be found wanting in any way. It really is baffling that any woman or anyone thinks like this, and actually sits down to make a recording of themselves spewing such. The irony is that she also believes that husbands should be respected, and treated like adults.

How can you be both responsible for your husband’s behaviour as if he were your child, and still treat him like a grown human being with whom you might even be raising children? How is he supposed to be your partner if he is so without agency? This simpleton who can’t even be trusted to manage his own actions, is he a grown man or is he a child? He can’t be both, even if you endearingly call him “Baby.”

It is funny that the only time I hear Naija men (and women) talk about men (not just husbands) as if they were babies in need of parenting is when they are discussing men cheating. I’ve heard people say men can’t help it, therefore, the women they are cheating with are always to blame. I’ve heard of wives and girlfriends completely exonerating their cheating partners and going to fight the mistresses. Literally and figuratively.  Madam, is your husband a sheet of paper that these “mistresses” just pick up at will and crumple into their pockets, and you have to go fight them to extricate it?

The woman in the clip wasn’t saying anything original or as unpopular as one would have liked to believe. Hang around long enough on social media and you’ll come across similar opinions. Women are burdened with both keeping their marriages intact and making sure their husbands are on the straight and narrow path. Nonsense. This ignores the basic premise of partnership, where both individuals are expected to act as responsible adults. There’s a good reason why people say they are “ready” for marriage.

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Obasanjo, Sambo, Osinbajo, Zulum condole Yar’Adua’s family in Katsina

It is ridiculous that in a society like Nigeria where the idea of men as macho is prevalent, and our cultures privilege men, the idea that these same macho men are unable to protect themselves from women is deep-rooted. Women say that someone stole their husbands. Aunty, no one stole him. You weren’t careless with him, and some kleptomaniac woman took him.  Cheating men are not guileless, vulnerable humans who have to be saved from the wickedness of evil women. Unless your husband or partner can’t dress himself, defecates in public, wets his trousers because he is a baby trapped in a man’s body, then biko he is absolutely and solely responsible for his actions. If he’s acting like a dog, it’s not because any woman has jazzed him, or because his wife has failed in her “parenting” duties to him, it is because he chooses to. And if he isn’t ready to be an adult in a relationship, he shouldn’t be messing with grown people’s business like marriage and commitment.

This infantilisation of men breeds, and rewards bad behaviour. If a man isn’t responsible for his actions, then why should he stop? If he is incapable of stopping, what’s the incentive for him to try to even stop? Why shouldn’t he just throw his hands up in the air and stumble, like a child, from one woman to another? Moreover, this attitude begs the obvious question: if (these) men are truly incapable of controlling their actions, as these narratives suggest, how are they expected to take on the other responsibilities that come with maturity? How are they expected to hold down jobs? Raise a family? Just plain adult?

Men, like women, are fully capable of making choices and should be held accountable for the decisions they make. Cheating is not an inevitable part of male behaviour—it is a decision, and it should be treated as such. Shifting the narrative away from blaming women is essential for fostering healthier, more respectful relationships. Both partners deserve to be treated as responsible adults, capable of making choices and being responsible for those choices.

This change in mindset is not just about fairness or commonsense—it’s about fostering a society where mutual respect and equality are the cornerstones of every relationship. And where folks spare us nonsense videos justifying rubbish.