‘Magu Magu’

Dear Ibrahim,

Nigeria woke up to the news of your ‘arrest’ or rather, as the DSS puts it, “Invitation to questioning” on the 7th of July,2020. Depending on which version you prefer, the stories varied from you being accosted on your way to work with the DSS blocking the way, James Bond-style, whisking you off to an unknown location or, my personal favourite, the one in which DSS stormed your house, found billions of dollars stashed away in your wife’s underwear drawer and dragging you away in your pyjamas. No hard feelings Oga EFCC, this is Nigeria after all and so our tales are spiced with Maggi and crayfish.

Oga Magu, the main aim of writing this letter is to allay your fears and to let you know that this path you are on may very well be your path to fame and greatness! Do not be sad Sir, for many others who have been in your shoes have hinged on this notoriety and have gone on to become ministers, senators and even governors! What did you even do sef? Abeg, don’t mind them jor! You shall prevail! No weapon fashioned against you shall prosper! Just follow my instructions and you shall be well on your way to stardom. But first a word of caution.

Oga police, who send you message? I repeat- who send you message? You of all people should know that in Nigeria, everything is about God father-ism. But as soon as you people taste power- gbam! Common sense goes out through the window! I heard with one ear that the people lurking in the corridors of Aso villa said ‘you had become a law unto yourself’- their words not mine. Has history not shown us repeatedly in this country that all that is required of you as a political appointee is to be a ‘yes man’? But since you tasted the wine of power you believe you can do and undo. Where is Ambode again?

Now on to more important things. The first thing to do is to ignore all the bad news. Or, if the news gives you sleepless nights, think of yourself as the victim and all other Nigerians calling for your head as wicked witches and wizards. Because that is what they are: Enemies of progress. Bile spewing, fire breathing devils. This will help you to ignore the media and will work better than any sleep medication. And why is ignoring the news important? Because, as Nigerians, we have a short attention span. It has been proven time without number. Dabinogate? Forgotten. Farukgate? Forgotten. BMW galore? Forgotten. What is that one about grass cutting again? Yep, Forgotten. I am sure if we were to check the DNA of Nigerians, we would find a chromosome responsible for this our selective amnesia to everything that has to do with corruption. So yes, Ignore everyone.

As Nigerians are in the process of forgetting, you will most likely be called to court for the corruption allegations to be formally charged against you. Now listen properly because you need to get this right. We need to win the public sympathy and so you must show up looking sick. You are a 58-year-old police officer and so nobody will raise an eyebrow when we tell them you are suffering from hypertensive encephalopathy from your stay at the DSS quarters. In fact, we will even make it look like your condition was as a result of their maltreatment. They denied you your antihypertensives and beat you up (we can get a good make-up artist to paint some bruises on you- remember Diezani? Brilliant work!) and so they must pay. Give those human rights people something to do. Thereafter, when you appear in court, looking weather-beaten and lost, even the most hard-hearted judge will take pity on you. It is important to get this step right and not mess it up by employing quack doctors who will give some foolish diagnosis the judges can see through like menstrual pain or degenerating fibroids. Ha!

After bail has been set and you are a free man again- you either a) look for a way to run out of the country. You may choose to dress as a woman (to be honest that would be difficult given your Kanuri face) or use your illness to sick medical care abroad. Again- Diezani. Need I say more? Or b) Stall the court hearings as much as possible by employing some heavy metal Jazz. Oga EFCC, please do not fall my hand here. Are you not from Maiduguri? Is that not the state where cows are buried alive? where Suratul Yaseen is read in reverse? By the time you are through with them, the judge would have retired and the prosecuting panel will not know their left from their right. Shameless people kawai! A whole you?

After operation ‘magu-magu’ has been killed successfully, it is now up to you to decide how to proceed. Some people prefer to lie low and live out their remaining years in peace and poverty, while the smart ones start cosying up to the opposition in preparation for 2023. And if the opposition wins? You guessed right- Ministerial appointment kawai!

As I said, stay calm and believe in Nigeria. Las Las, we go dey alright.