Dating and marriage have no laid down rules but there are guidelines that can be religious, moral or otherwise. But in the midst of this, one question that keeps popping up is, long or short courtship, which is the best before marriage?
It’s not surprising to see people argue on which kind of courtship they would prefer before marriage. Some say they prefer a long courtship to enable them know their partners well before marriage, while others say a short courtship is better so that they don’t get carried away doing the wrong things while in a long courtship which might eventually fail.
Margret (not real name) has been dating her boyfriend for five years and is still counting. She is now running out of patience and seriously wants to settle down. But the issue piercing her heart is the lack of interest from her boyfriend in the issue of marriage. Anytime she brings up the issue, he insists they date longer so that they can know each other better. She regrets not opting for a short courtship. “I will be doomed if he decides not to marry me because I have done everything a wife ought to be doing but the only difference is that we haven’t sealed it with a ring,” she laments.
Newlywed Chidi Amadi, who is in his early 30s, says it is not how long but how well courtship is. “I don’t believe in the ideology of having to date for years before marriage, sometimes you can date a person for just months before marriage and have a blissful marriage, while the reverse can be the case even after dating for years. I think what should be the main focus of dating shouldn’t be the duration but what transpired during dating bearing in mind certain qualities, checking your compatibility and other qualities that make up marriage. The most important of it all is praying that God’s hand is in your relationship and would guide you both into marriage.”
Oluchi Edward, a lawyer in her late 20s, says: “Well the issue of dating and marriage can be compared to the saying, ‘different strokes for different folks.’ Why I say this is that some can date for long because they want or choose too, while some want to have a short courtship. Many people have this notion that if you don’t date for long you might not know each other well but I think that is wrong.”
She cited one case to buttress her point: “I have a friend who was fixed with a man who has been based in the United States for years; he wanted a Nigerian girl from his village for a wife and intended to get married within two months because he had to go back to the US. Now, too many that is a risky thing to do because there was no form of long courtship and not much is known about the man. But sincerely today the girl is doing well in her marriage, at least from what we see and what she tells us. She claims the man is God-fearing, supportive, cares for her and helps her at any given opportunity to build her career in nursing. So to me the time you spend in dating before marriage does not mean you would have a blissful marriage.”
Twenty-seven-year-old environmentalist, Ted Emecho, notes that: “Most times dating for a long time is not intentional. My case is a clear example. I and my girlfriend have been dating for six years now, this is because we met when we were in school, I was in my third year in school and she was in her first. Obviously, we couldn’t at that time start talking of marriage, we knew other things like our education and careers had to be put in place and we had a mutual understanding on that. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t marry her. But a situation when you are both ready, have been dating for years and don’t have plans for marriage, then I suggest you look into the relationship because I personally don’t think dating for too long makes any difference in marriage.”
Marriage counsellor Pastor Mrs. Chika Emmanuel suggests that the problem is not being in a long courtship or short relationship but, how well partners get to know each other before marriage. “I will say the problem shouldn’t be the duration but the richness and quality of the relationship,” she advises.
“Secondly, not all short relationships are bad for there are people who have courted for just a month and felt they have known each other for years. The focus should be on the positive experience of the relationship,” Chika notes.
