Henry and Anita have been in a relationship for three years. They are very close and have a good and happy life together. But Henry has some uneasy feelings about the relationship. Several times he’s tried to wave his doubts away, but try as he has, they still linger in his head.
Henry explains his worries. “We were going on very well until one day we were having a conversation about extended relatives staying with newly married couples and how a lot of time it didn’t give the couple time to settle in together and have the privacy they needed those early years.
“Without actually explaining my perspective she went into a debate about how it was a Western idea that she wouldn’t stand for, especially if they were relatives she cared about and I shouldn’t consider doing it if we were married. At that point my heart sank.”
Her apologies later weren’t enough to appease Henry. “Although she later apologised and explained herself; it really didn’t console me because I felt that when she spoke earlier, she was being truthful about her feelings and that worried me more even after her apologies.”
One year later, Henry says he still has these worries and hasn’t been bold enough to ask her to marry him though everything else is absolutely wonderful.
Jemine is 33 and is in a relationship that could be described as enviable. It is respectable, caring and loving. She’s madly in love with her man and looks forward to a time when “we’ll be a married couple with kids and a family of our own.” But there is a big ‘but’ in the relationship.
Jemine can’t readily complain that things are bad, but she also can’t boldly say that they are good either.
“Although I don’t have any proof yet, I’m not sure I’m the only woman in his life. If it’s not a woman, then I suspect there’s something shady he is doing that he ensures I don’t know about.
“My suspicions began when I noticed that sometimes when he’s on the phone and I walk in he says ‘I’ll call back later’ or at other times, he abruptly ends the conversation midway in shock as I enter. Initially, I passed them off but they’ve happened too often and when I ask, he literarily waves his hand, saying ,it’s nothing, and he’ll deal with it later.”
Ib and Greg have been married for three years and are expecting their first child. Deep down in her mind, Ib questions if marrying Greg was the right decision for her.
“Greg didn’t wow me at first when we met and I really can’t say he wowed me throughout our courtship. But he was kind and sincere and impressed me in a lot of ways. I couldn’t break his heart by breaking up with him, , though he wasn’t 100 per cent my ideal guy. I decided to marry him based on this: since he did to me what most of my friends wished their men could do to them, I married him.”
According to Ib, “there was also the talk from my older siblings and mum and aunties, who consistently reminded me that, ‘such men are hard to come by, make sure you don’t lose this one.’
“It’s only after we got married that I realized I’d be the one making all the decisions for the family. He really didn’t have the firmness I’d expect the head of the house to have. During courtship, I noticed this but consoled myself that he was being considerate by asking my views and going with the things I suggested. At the time I really didn’t notice he took my suggestions all the time and hardly ever hard his own inputs. With our child on the way, this is giving me a lot of concern.”
The truth is that doubts can never be completely eliminated in a relationship. Most times, we seek external guidance on how things should go rather than settling for a relationship based on personal convictions about our inner feelings.
There are also questions which we should ask ourselves as our relationship progresses. Terez Williamson, author of the e-book, ‘Minimalism and Relationships: Consume Less, Love More,’ while emphasising that there are no right or wrong answers, offers tips on such questions which might be helpful in circumstances like this:
• Do you completely trust each other?
• Do you believe in soul mates, and if so, do you believe you are each other’s?
• When was the last time you said, “I love you?” If it’s been a while, why?
• Are you satisfied with the intimacy you share?
• How often do you laugh together?
• Do you feel you have made personal sacrifices for your relationship, and have they been reciprocated?
• When you think of your partner, do you smile?
• Do you feel threatened when others find your partner attractive, and why?
• Do you believe your partner is your biggest advocate?
• How do you feel about your partner’s views on finances?
• Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s relatives? Friends?
• Do either of you dredge up resentments in arguments, and why have you struggled to let them go?
• How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away?
• Is your partner your best friend?
• Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you feel you would lose them?
• Do you feel that your partner accepts you?
• When did you realize you had fallen in love, and how do you feel when you think about it?
• Have you seen each other at your best and worst?
• Would you ever consider having an affair? Why? Why not?
• Are you excited about your future together?
• Do you feel your relationship is a true partnership?
• When was your last romantic outing?
• Does it bother you if your partner has friends of the opposite sex, and why?
• Do you accept each other’s belief systems?
• When was the last time you talked about your future together, and were you on the same page?
• Do you feel as if you can communicate without saying a word?
• What is your happiest memory of your time together? Your worst? Are there more happy memories than unhappy ones?
• What is a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you overlooked one in this relationship?
• How do you feel about the last, in-depth conversation you and your partner had?
• Do you show your love for each other often, and if not, why?
Williamson adds that: “If you are seeking clarity about your relationship, the best source of insight is from within. You just need to be unafraid to ask for the answers you seek. Then trust those answers and yourself.”
At the end of it all, we all have to be a little bit more considerate and tolerant of our partner’s short comings, no matter what. But then, we have to be comfortable with the compromises we make.
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