How to relate with your child

Parenting is described as the most fulfilling job in the world. Yet, raising children can be challenging, coupled with the fact that parents deal with many other pressures in the work place, economy, psychological and others.

One of the reasons parenting can be challenging could be that parents sometimes find it hard to relate with their children in a positive way.

Psychology establishes the fact that a child’s personality would have formed by the age of five, thereby giving insight into how to relate with the child as he/she grows up.

Example, eight-year-old Jason is closer to his mother in every sense than his father despite the investment the father made in his life. The father whose work takes him out of the house as early as 6.00am returns late at night, most times when the son is far asleep.

Jason’s father also travels often for outside assignment. He has never been able to attend any event in Jason’s school: PTA, Carrier Day, Cultural Day, inter-house and even end of year party where most parents are present with their children; no thanks to his busy schedule.

Jason once told his mother that it seemed his father did not love him, but she was quick to refute the statement, saying his father was always away in order to make them comfortable.

A Social Psychologist and CEO, Parenting Support  System Ltd.,  Mrs. Toyin Ogunkanmi, said, “There is this saying, ‘People do not care how much you know but want to know how much you care.’” She said this was the same with parenting as, “You cannot be an effective parent if you do not first connect with your child on an emotional level. To correct your child, you first have to learn how to connect.”

Mrs. Ogunkanmi said connecting involved loving your child and showing and telling your child how much you love him/her. There are various ways we can connect with our children.

She added that to establish a strong relationship in your child to gain his/her confidence, it is very important that you are a strong pillar in their life, adding that when they are in trouble you will be the first person they go to, if faced with a dilemma or they need to take certain decisions you will be the first person that comes to mind. “Let your voice and influence be very impactful,” she said.

According to her, nothing is as important as being the best friend your child would have at all times. 

“Be there for them physically, spiritually, emotional, financially and otherwise. Most times, the men are busy, but they must create time to attend to the children; not only by spending money, but also playing with them, listening to them and counselling them.”

She gives some tips to parents:

Be emotionally present; when you are with them let them know that you are not just physically available, but emotionally ready.

Talk and listen to them, tell them about your day; the highs and the lows. Ask them about their own day, use more of feeling words and teach them to express how they feel.

Always ask open-ended questions so that you can have an in-depth knowledge of what is going on in their mind.

Take interest in their interests or hobbies; please do not be judgemental. Approach their interest or hobbies with an open mind.

Invite them into your world; let them know what you are doing, what you are interested in.

Create or find new hobbies that you both enjoy.

Do house chores or certain activities together, especially with the teenagers. In the process of working together, get talking and they will tend to tell you a lot about themselves and other interesting things.

Tell and show them that you love them by responding through their love languages.

Go on individual date with each child. Don’t be too busy not to attend to them. Family is first; other things follow.

Let your children know you can trust them and they can trust you in return.