About 20 years ago when I was young and naive, a friend, let us call her Lady X, asked me to tell her whenever she’s done anything objectionable. You see, she’s great human being so she wanted to improve based on my feedback since her intimidating status wouldn’t allow anyone else to tell her the truth.
When her oft-repeated invitation to criticism became too strident, I decided to yield. Just one thing.
“I’m happy that you mentioned this again,” I began. “I’ve been thinking of telling you just one thing that you may need to change.”
“Good,” Lady X said, “I can take it.”
“You exaggerate a lot. Sometimes, that can lead to a lie.”
“Really?” She asked, shocked. “Do I really do that?”
“Yes. You do exaggerate regularly.”
“Okay. Give me one example,” she said.
I sensed some anger and the entire room became uncomfortable. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut.
I knew I couldn’t win that back and forth.
“A man convinced against his will
is of the same opinion still,” Dale Carnegie said.
But we don’t need to go as far back as Lady X. Only recently, I told a friend to always tell me how to improve whenever I gave a public speech. Before then, he would paint my performance in superlatives. While I enjoyed his praise, even Ibraheem Dooba, the author of “Impromptu Speaking Genius” has room for improvement.
So my friend dutifully changed his feedback from praise to critique. Sometimes, it sounded like nitpicking. I didn’t hold the microphone properly, etc.
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While the negative feedback helped, I missed the praise-giving friend.
Have you ever wondered why criticizing others often leads to conflict rather than change? Dale Carnegie, the mastermind behind self-development, had an interesting take on this.
“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn- and most fools do,” Dale Carnegie said, “but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
In a world quick to judge and criticize, Carnegie’s philosophy presents a challenge to the status quo. He believed that criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves.
Carnegie suggests a paradigm shift: instead of criticism, understand the underlying reasons for people’s actions and encourage positive behaviour.
“When dealing with people,” Carnegie continues. “remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Research in psychology supports Carnegie’s view. Studies show that positive reinforcement is more effective than criticism in promoting behavioural change.
Carnegie, renowned for his influential book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” bases his teachings on timeless principles of human behaviour.
Embracing Carnegie’s approach can lead to more harmonious relationships and effective communication, both personally and professionally.
Instead of criticizing, try to understand the other person’s perspective. Offer feedback sandwiched with positive comments.
Imagine a world where we uplift rather than tear down. Each one of us has the power to create such a world through our interactions.
Criticism can be like pouring salt on a wound, while constructive feedback is like applying healing balm.
Next time you feel the urge to criticize, pause and choose a more constructive approach. Your relationships will thank you.
Reflecting on my journey, I’ve found embracing Carnegie’s philosophy has led to more meaningful and effective interactions.
Consider a manager who replaced criticism with positive reinforcement, leading to a happier, more productive team.
Breaking the habit of criticism can be as simple as taking a moment to think before we speak, considering how our words can be framed positively.
You’ve probably been on both ends of criticism. How did it feel to be criticized compared to being encouraged?
Let’s talk about this shift. It’s not about ignoring mistakes but about addressing them in a way that builds rather than breaks.
In today’s divisive world, Carnegie’s message is more relevant than ever. We need more understanding and less judgment.
Imagine the impact if we all chose to see the good in people and help them grow. Carnegie’s words are more than just advice; they are a roadmap to a kinder, more empathetic world.
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