How the world would miss Zimbabwe’s old Uncle Bob

When it’s all over in Harare, it’s not Zimbabweans alone that would miss the wily and witty Robert Gabriel Mugabe. Believe me, the shopping malls around the United Nations headquarters in New York City would post an economic eulogy. With an embargo worse than the sword of Damocles on Mugabe and his family, Gucci Grace never misses an occasion to shop till she drops without the uncertainty of a rogue Lebanese intermediary at UN conferences. While her husband holds the conferenciers spell bound with his wit, she empties her planeload of dollars on the stores. 

When the dust clears, online shops would miss her too. While ordinary Zimbabweans have no access to the internet, Gucci Grace gets her gluttonous worth of the latest in fashion through the shops. If the army succeeds in browbeating her husband, the shopping spree would have to end, or at least reduce. In Africa, those who survive coups are left with enough to live like kings and queens.

As for Uncle Bob, Singaporean doctors would miss him. Sai Baba kept his pact with his London doctors, Mugabe winters in Singapore. It is unclear where he gets his zany suits but in fairness, he wore them before he finally snatched Gucci Grace from her original husband. 

His enemies would miss his stumbling and falling, but the world would miss Uncle Bob’s wit and cunning. Perhaps because few have stayed as long in power, no African leader has spoken out on issues as much as Uncle Bob. From religion to relationships, leadership to ownership of the means of production, Uncle Bob has left his wits on the memes of time. At 89, a British reporter asked if it was time to quit power – his answer: “Have you asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?” So, when would he be bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell as it now appears he is being forced to do, he asked – where are they going? 

His ability to wriggle out of embarrassing questions is as legendary as his anger at reporters asking what he describes as “stupid questions”. Uncle Bob may be old, but he is current. Unlike one head of state, who once referred to Angela Merkel as leader of West Germany, Mugabe is as versatile with geography as he is with technology. He once said that the only warning Africans take seriously is low battery and advised ladies not to buy a selfie stick if what their armpits needed were saving kits. His use of proverbs could be gross to some, but they are poignant. He once said that a man who could swallow a whole coconut has absolute trust in his anus.

Mugabe takes no prisoners. He would hit at Desmond Tutu for his criticism of his land policies. But when it comes to the priest’s support of gay rights, Mugabe quipped: “Archbishop Desmond Tutu said it is nice to be gay, yet he has a wife. He should have begun by getting himself a man for a woman.” He had something similar for Barack Obama – if Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country, he must come here so that I marry him first. He added that even Satan was not gay because in the garden, the serpent approached Eve, a woman and not Adam. 

During the xenophobic attacks in South Africa, Mugabe hit at those targeting amakwerekwere: “South Africans would kick down the statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one; yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he is a foreigner.” He did not spare Nigerians and their corrupt tendencies three years ago when he told his people “Are we now like Nigeria where you have to reach your pocket to get anything done? You get into a plane in Nigeria and you sit there and the crew keeps dilly-dallying without taking off as they wait for you to pay them to fly the plane.” 

Mugabe’s quips were not always spot on. He had said that only God who appointed him would remove him. He was wrong because at least Zimbabwe pretends to hold elections until the bubble burst last week  putting an end to a bitter power tussle between him and his other come-raids forcing Army commander, Constantine Chiwenga to threaten intervention. Mugabe has a knack for sacking his vice presidents – from Joshua Nkomo to Morgan Tsvangirai and lately Emerson Mnangagwa, the man who is called the Crocodile. Having given a yellow card, the General marched his troops onto the streets of Harare first taking over the broadcasting station and putting Mugabe and his wife under protective custody. 

The soldiers were so inexperienced they didn’t even know a coup if it was walking in camouflage and marching to order. Again, this is a first in Africa. These ones captured power without an idea of what they were going to do with it. They left a foxy Mugabe in a position to negotiate and left their airports open for Jacob Zuma’s men to come in and attempt to broker peace.

It is uncertain how it would eventually end. But from all indications, a power sharing deal is likely to ensue, one in which those who have one way or the other contributed to bringing Zimbabwe to its knees would continue to hold on to power. However it ends, Mugabe may have shown that even a witty and wily man might be undermining his own wisdom. For it was Mugabe who once advised people to “treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today may wipe your face tomorrow.” If he meant it politically, he would have been sleeping well in a settler’s farm when the soldiers came marching last week.