Dear Nabilah,
I’m a young man in my early thirties, I used to take intoxicant drugs for several years.
During such times, I have caused my family a lot of troubles especially my mother who suffered a lot of heartache because of me.
I have been clean for years, have graduated from university and did my masters and currently enjoying good employment.
It looks all good and successful from outside, but inside I’m in a terrible mess, plagued with extreme guilt feelings for the disgrace I brought to my family and the many hurts my mother suffered.
I also harbor a lot of resentments towards my family especially my mother for the way they used to berate me in front of my younger siblings.
Another thing that is wreaking havoc to my peace of mind is that I think I was molested when I was in primary school by our neighbor that has become like a family member.
I don’t know what was happening at the time, but I remember the last time it happens I was in primary 5 and I refuse and ran away even though I did not realize I was being molested because I don’t know anything about sex at that time.
I feel so bad about these things that sometimes a strong desire of going back to taking drugs in order to block these feelings grips me, I have to struggle very hard to wrench it away from my mind.
I have a beautiful lady as a girlfriend whom I intend to marry very soon but I’m feeling scared thinking my being molested will affect my progeny.
Please advise me on how to stop feeling guilty about my past and resentment for my family.
-Trying to be good
Dear Trying,
I would like you to know that I deeply sympathize with you on this terrible tragedy done to your younger self, I can’t imagine how difficult it was and still is for the scars being carried .
Firstly, Start by finding out the real reason why you feel guilty; because sometimes we are forced into feeling guilty by the people close to us with their constant complaint of some of our actions or inactions.
If your family were constantly berating you, enumerating all your misdeeds and saying you are giving the family a bad name, etc, maybe that is the origin of your extreme guilt feeling.
And that’s probably why you are feeling deep resentment towards them too, because when someone guilt trip you, you end up feeling extreme guilt along with deep resentment for the doer.
The best way to find out if your guilt feelings are valid is by finding answers to these questions: ‘Did you ever harm anyone verbally or physically; damage household items; steal something that doesn’t belong to you? Did you deliberately disobey and annoy your family?’ Did you deliberately choose to take drugs in order to bring shame to your family?
Your answers to these questions will determine how much of your guilt feelings are justified and how much is invalid.
Separates the valid from the invalid, rid yourself of the unjustified guilt by acknowledging to yourself that you did not deliberately commit that crime, it’s simply perceived that way by the victim but it was not intentional on your part.
And own up to the justified guilt, admit that you shouldn’t have done what you did, feel the shame of your misdeed and then sincerely apologized to all the victims of your misbehavior.
It will be very good and emotionally healing for both of you if you can go and apologize to each person directly.
Make the apology simple and direct but fill it up with deep sincerity and mix your words with feelings of remorse and regret.
You can also write an apology letter in the same manner explained above.
Follow up your apology with caring and affectionate interaction.
Comfort yourself with the knowledge that your family probably doesn’t hold you by these youthful misbehaviors especially now that you have turned your life around.
So stop punishing yourself, forgive yourself too and delete these guilt feelings from your mind.
Cease all negative thoughts of going back to drugs from your mind; remember it was what put you in this trouble in the first place so how can the same problem now become a solution?
The way to stop feeling resentment about how your family treated you back then is to forgive them completely, don’t find a reason why you shouldn’t forgive, instead convince yourself that there is no need carrying all that grudge for so many years, resentment eats away at your peace of mind until it destroys it.
Because having resentful feelings is like reliving the hurt feelings you experience everyday!
So forgive your family and anyone else you might be holding a grudge, that will be like a gift to yourself, you deserve that peace of mind free from toxic guilt and cancerous resentment.
If you find it difficult to forgive easily, you can write a letter to all these people, pouring down all your hurt feelings with appropriate words that seem fit, even if you have to write insulting words and phrases, do it then tear up all the letters and throw away, burn it or post it to an invalid address.
You will see your feeling of resentment completely gone.
You should also do likewise to your childhood molester.
I do hope you are the last child he abused, if not the children of your neighborhood might be at great risk of becoming victim.
In order to protect them, I suggest you find some elderly person among your family or neighborhood, someone that will understand and knows the best way to handle sensitive cases like this, narrates to him what that molester did to you so that proper action can be taken to safeguard children.
Be rest assured that your being molested will not affect your progeny, or even your marriage, so go ahead and tie the knot.
The best way to find permanent cure to all your troubles is by going to a psychotherapist, who will guide you on how to heal your mind and find peace.
Wishing you all the best in the next chapter of your life.
