I’m a 400 level student and I’m In need of advice on how to start and maintain a relationship that will lead to marriage. I recently got to know that dating and traditional courtship are not part of the Islamic process of seeking a wife, please explain to me the Islamic way of choosing a good wife. -Searching for Wife
Dear Searching,
Your question seem to be of two opposing circumstances: you want to establish a long lasting relationship that could lead to marriage, which means courtship of more than a year; you also want to follow the Islamic way of choosing a wife which means little to no courtship or dating.
As for the Islamic way of choosing a good wife, I advise you to go back in history and see how the Prophet, Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Him, and His Companions, may Allah be pleased with them chose wives for marriage.
If you go back in history, you will see that, first and foremost, they seek a wife not only for ease and betterment of their present life but also for ease and betterment of their next life, so they don’t care about physical beauty, wealth or lineage, as long as that particular potential wife is righteous and of sound moral character, if she happens to be beautiful, wealthy or from good lineage that’s just the icing on top of the cake. So the most important quality to look for in any potential wife is righteousness, and good moral character. Both go hand in hand, one without the other is just trouble and problems to follow through that marriage.
Also, if you go back in history you will find that, The Companions may Allah be pleased with them, never dated or got involved in long courtship, many married the very day they met their potential wife, sometimes without even seeing her face to face, as long as righteousness and good moral character were established, nothing else was needed.
So, if you really want to follow their footsteps, carry out a short courtship, this will only be possible and easier for you if your potential wife is righteous and have the same values regarding this as you, because most girls in this time and age prefer long and espensive courtship, that’s why the first step is the most important one.
Another important aspect to implement in choosing a wife the Islamic way is to consider the instructions of the Prophet Peace and blessings be upon Him in this regard: Abu Hurairah May Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet Peace and blessings be upon him said: “A woman is sought in marriage for four reasons; Wealth, social status, beauty and religion (piety). So seek the one with deen – may you then be successful.”
In another authentic narration, He instructed as follows:“If someone whose piety and character you are satisfied with, comes to you, marry him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil.”
So the most important aspect of choosing a wife the Islamic way is to investigate the religious practice and in depth character of your potential wife, if you find her to be good, then you can seek permission from her elders to see her in the presence of a mahram and you talk and discuss with her until both of you are satisfied with each other, then you go ahead and start the marital processes.
As for the other part of your question, let’s assume you are currently not employed, it means you need at least 3 years until you settle down if all factors are in your favour before you find the right girl, start courtship and when you are done with your studies, youth service and employment, the relationship has matured and ready for marriage. In this regard, I advise you to look for someone in your immediate community, someone with shared values and norms, someone from a good home and good parents that respect human beings without stigma, prejudice or snobbish attitudes. A family that sticks to their word. Then you seek Allah’s help through persistent prayers and introduce yourself to that family in order to seek permission to start courting their daughter.
The way to maintain the relationship is to just go with the flow, let the relationship mature on its own pace, don’t try to force yourself to feel emotions or feelings that don’t come naturally to you initially and don’t expect that from your lady or any commitment that is not initially forthcoming. Try as much as you can to avoid all the prohibited things associated with modern courtship, never meet her except in the presence of her mahram and make sure she is always properly covered. Try as much as possible to avoid mobile phone chatting or unnecessary phone calls.
