Help, my husband is a philanderer

Dear Nabilah,

My husband is a consummate womaniser. He doesn’t care if a woman is clean or unclean, good looking or ugly, Muslim or otherwise. All he cares is to have sex with her. In fact, sex is like food to him. I just don’t know what to do, please advise me?

Heartbroken Cuckquean

Dear Heartbroken,

The first thing you should do is search yourself inwardly. Are you capable and strong enough to continue with such trauma? Do you think your marriage is worth all the troubles you are experiencing because of your husband’s infidelity? Do you love your husband enough to sacrifice for him? Can you forgive all his past and future unfaithfulness?

You need to find answers to the above questions and more as they will guide you on the best decision to make. Because philandering is addictive, just like drugs and alcohol, this will probably continue for a long time. It is not something that will change overnight. And you can’t change your husband, no matter what you do. Change will only happen when he desires it and makes a strong intention and possesses the strong willpower to follow through with his intention.

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However, the power of prayer can change him overnight, so double your supplications on this issue. Pray abundantly every time, for Allah to relieve your husband of this malignant habit, not only on special occasions. Become more spiritual and avoid frivolous and time-wasting habits. Remember your Lord abundantly so that you can increase the chances of your prayers being answered.

For the success of your marriage and peace of mind in this tumultuous relationship, patience is your best companion. Losing your patience will harm your peace of mind and destabilise your marriage.

Take care of yourself and invest in self-care, both physically and emotionally. Also, take all the necessary safety precautions to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

The best things you can do to help him are to completely turn your back on his womanising habits, don’t say anything to him about it, don’t complain, nag, deride or insult him about it. And don’t invest your thought processes on it. Concentrate only on his good side and habits and relate with him through these and turn your back completely on his infidelity and other toxic habits.

Compliment him and celebrate his uniqueness. This will make him more confident of himself. One of the root causes of womanising of this magnitude is when he is feeling insecure, especially in regard to his manliness and prowess. That’s why constant compliment can help lessen the frequency.

Investigate the way you relate with him if you are a domineering wife or if you are a woman with masculine intelligence and attitudes. It will help tremendously if you stop displaying such attributes to your husband; instead, try to become very feminine in your attitudes and the way you relate with him.

Support him to avoid any source of illegal income; one of its side effects is spending such income on illegal ways. Only good can beget good. And try as much as possible to avoid visiting voodoo practitioners, for fornication is one of the side effects of customising them.

Do envy and jealousy have the same meaning?

Dear Nabilah,

I would like to know the difference between jealousy and envy or hasad (Arabic), in relation to the Hausa word, kishi, which is well known among women. When it is explained, I perceive it as real hassada (envy). But people give it another meaning, ‘kishi.’ Why not call a spade a spade?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Maybe because it seems like a spade, but it is actually a garden fork. Jealousy is a natural feeling that is present in almost all creations. I am sure you have once witnessed two roosters fighting because of a particular hen.

Jealousy is the fear and insecure feelings of losing what you already have, while envy is coveting something enjoyed by another, be it wealth or physical attributes, wishing for him to lose that envied attribute and for it to be transferred to the envier.

Hasad is an Arabic word for envy, while kishi is the Hausa word for jealousy. Ghira is an Arabic word for jealousy, mostly translated as protective jealousy. Ghibta is an Arabic word for non malicious envy, where the envier only wants to emulate the envied by making the necessary effort to acquire what the envied is enjoying.

The reason why the jealousy displayed among co-wives may seem like envy to you is because it might be mixed, so it becomes malicious and toxic. If you were to review the jealousy practised by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), you would find that it was not malicious jealousy because it was not mixed with envy. It was pure natural jealousy or ghirah.

You might notice non-malicious envy being practised among co-wives, where the less favourite wife copies the style and mannerism of the favourite one in order to also enjoy favouritism.