Help! Her marriage is about to end!

Dear Nabilah,

She’s my auntie (neither paternal or maternal – just a social aunt). She’s older than I am. We’re very intimate and usually have cozy chats. We tip off sensitive social issues between ourselves. Lately, She seems to be fretful and restless about her co-wife who she believes is a threat to her matrimony; being the prime for the two divorces previously pronounced against her. She’d always complain that her husband always blamed her alone whenever they had a misunderstanding with the co-wife. In fact, on several occasions she affirmed to me that she no longer enjoys her matrimonial home and had since lost interest and remains in the marriage for the children sake. She seeks my advice and possible solutions: to which I  always advise she should be resolute and prayerful. From previous accounts, since at the inception of their wedlock, she’s not malleable to his luscious ego. I’ve some insights as to why their husband is avid and passionate with his second wife: she’s too submissive for his hots; as several times he’s been overheard casting innuendos as to why he’s too affectionate to the second wife. I know my auntie is willing to do anything as long as it’s going to work out at her disposal to salvage herself out of the woods – and enjoy blissful matrimony. Please, help suggest ways as to how she cancorrect her wrongs. Were it a woman to woman it shouldn’t be a problem; but man to woman. Should I drop her an anonymous handwritten letter and send some woman by proxy?

-Fake Nephew

• Kidnappings, killings put Nasarawa on edge
• Maggot therapy: We’ve saved 30 patients from amputation – AKTH entomologist

Dear Nephew,

Let me start by saying that I will not mince words with you on this issue, because you, and men like you are part of the problem. You shouldn’t encourage such cozy, intimate relationship with someone else’s wife, especially by making yourself available to it, enjoying it, praising and supporting such wives. The more you encourage such relationships to develop, the more you are taking these wives further away from their husbands. These types of wives are getting all the masculine inputs in their life from someone other than their husbands, men that will chat them up nicely, fill them up with fake respect, praises and undeserved emotional support; and tell them that they will always be there for them. How do you expect such a wife to view her husband, other than her enemy that is refusing to give her all the easy care and attention she’s getting from her male friends? How do you expect her to see her wrongs and right them and not blame others for her own mistakes?

The first solution to your fake aunt’s marital problems for her to stop being intimate and cozy with strange males such as you. How can she be married to one man and be intimate and cozy with another? Probably more than one and expect her marital boat to be stable and not rock? She just can’t have her cake and eat it! She’s supposed to be intimate and cozy only with her husband, male siblings or her uncles, even at that, the husband’s intimacy should be 70% more than that of the siblings or uncles. Her husband is her companion and life partner, he should be the one she confides in not some fake nephew outside her matrimonial home.

How would you feel if it’s your wife that’s been intimate and cozy with a male friend younger than yourself? Confiding in him, telling him all her marital woes? Will it not bother you? Will it not create mistrust between you and your wife?

And the big issue is that such relationships are prohibited by The Almighty Allah, because it leads to the two parties enjoying something that doesn’t belong to them. For a married woman, all her womanly attributes and femininity belongs entirely to her husband and there’s no way to avoid displaying it in such relationships. Furthermore, there’s always a sexual attraction bubbling underneath waiting for the inopportune time to pounce.

Regarding your fake aunt blaming her co-wife for her marital problems, try to remind her that her marriage is only between herself and her husband so she should concentrate on finding the loopholes there not anywhere else. Her co-wife is not part of her marriage and she should stop involving her or letting her get involved in it, and she should also stop involving herself in her co-wife’s marriage and refuse to be dragged into her co-wife’s affairs either by her husband or anyone else. This is the best way by which unmatched co-wives can live peacefully without much quarreling and arguments. If two or more people cannot see eye to eye the best thing is to stop interacting with each other since the interaction only leads to turmoil and heartache.

Even if a man has an ego the size of a planet, a wise woman will know how to be malleable to him without letting herself be treated like a doormat. Most husbands will prefer a submissive wife to an arrogant one, and submission comes naturally to women if they are treated right with proper care, respect and adoration. In case a woman finds herself married to a husband that craves submission and he is not treating her right, if she really wants to continue being married to him, then she should employ the use of feminine wiles and wisdom, she can fake submission, she can compromise, and she can choose to be submissive on some issues and disagree on others. And since your fake Aunt doesn’t want her marriage to end solely because of her children, then she should sacrifice and become fully submissive to her husband, because children are worth all the possible sacrifices.