A UK-based Nigerian lawyer recently shared his “advice” on social media for Naija men wishing to japa: “HELLO MAN, READ THIS BEFORE YOU LEAVE NIGERIA. If you are a man doing a good job in Nigeria and you are planning to relocate with your family to the UK, think twice or think very well before you make the switch. Do not resign from your job. Do not sell all that you own. Do not break the bank to come here. Also, think very well of who your wife is; is she the type of woman who will not misuse the laws of this land against you once she gets here? Can you stand your wife being the breadwinner and you look after the children? Why do I ask these questions? It is because the pendulum does switch over here. Women do get better jobs in some cases and as a ‘big’ man, you may struggle to get a job that fits your profile or that you are comfortable with which may affect your mental health. These scenarios have affected many marriages and relationships. Some are now living apart and some have filed for divorce. I have been dealing with a lot of these cases recently with the husband blaming the wife for pushing him into ‘this mess’. Why did I say Nigeria? It is because they are mostly the ones having this switch issue and situation shocks. Other nationalities are usually ok with it. I just thought I should let you know before you make the switch. Dele Olawanle is my name. I think, write and speak to make lives better. Follow me for more insights and inspiration.”
It’s a pity that this passes for sensible advice for Naija men. I am not judging Mr. Olawanle (at least not completely); he is after all speaking from a place of experience. In Better Never than Late, my short story collection, I have stories about Naija economic immigrants in Belgium. In a country where they do not speak the language and whatever previous work experience they have doesn’t matter, the women take on cleaning jobs. The men, unwilling to “reduce” themselves to “cleaning toilets,” have more trouble finding jobs – especially if they are undocumented. Ours is a patriarchal society, and what happens once our folks move to societies that force a change in power dynamics, no matter how marginal, is that some men lose their minds. Literally.
Olawanle’s warning about Naija women “misusing” the laws of the UK reminds me of the story I heard about this Naija man who used to beat his wife for every infraction, imagined and real. When they moved to the UK, this woman, long silenced and abused, was told by a friend that she could report her husband to the authorities. She did. Oga was arrested. His family and well-wishers spread stories about his (now ex) wife’s “misuse’ of UK laws, they talked about how she “grew wings” in the UK; and how she was misled by ‘bad fiends’ and bit the finger that fed her. They complained that without her husband, she ‘for never smell abroad.’ The innocent have nothing to fear, and if you are in a marriage where you have to worry that once your wife can, she’d do anything to get rid of you/hurt you including getting you in legal trouble by lying, then you should reconsider why you are still in that relationship at all. Or check why she has such animosity towards you. Use your tongue to count your teeth like we (ndi Igbo) say. I have learnt that ‘misuse’ is code for when abused wives discover that they can get help. Perhaps, Olawanle could have put that between quotation marks. He is a lawyer so that oversight is worrying.
Olawanle points to these cultural shocks as being peculiarly Nigerian, our men as particularly sexist with egos as brittle as eggshells. I will bow to his expertise. I know of men who think that looking after their children is an act of emasculation. I’ve heard of single women in Naija who’ve had to “borrow” husbands just to be able to rent houses; of those who were told they couldn’t check into hotel rooms alone; hotels without males. A few years ago, Ayo Sogunro wrote an article on sexism in Naija and mentioned how a security officer at an immigration office in Lagos asked her to tell a fellow visitor to dress more modestly next time or he’d “embarrass her.” Every woman I know in Naija has stories of witnessing sexist or sexist adjacent behaviours from Naija men. And yes, I know, “Not all men.”
I hope that Olawanle considers writing insights that actually frame these issues as problematic, rather than as ‘warnings.’ Naija men shouldn’t base their decisions on whether or not they want to relocate on how deep inside the sexism well they want to remain. The work of dismantling patriarchy needs all hands on deck.