He hurts my friend, should I confront him?

Dear Nabilah,

I have a very dear friend that is a little bit older than me; she is 32 while I am 28. She is my seat mate at our Islamiyyah School. One of our teachers humiliated her in class by saying any woman that does not marry by 25 has expired and no man will want to marry her. We all felt he was indirectly referring to her because his close friend wanted to marry her but she turned him down. He also made fun of the upper middle class folks saying they only want to wed their daughters to wealthy suitors that is why their daughters expire in their houses without ever getting married. My friend was so deeply hurt and cried so much! She stopped coming to the Islamiyyah even though she loves it so much. I have never seen her so heartbroken like this. My friend is so humble and soft hearted and never looks down on anyone even though she is from a wealthy family. What do we do?

Furious.

• Major sporting events to look forward to in 2021
• 20m Nigerians battle kidney disease, expensive treatment

Dear Furious,

What your teacher did is indeed vicious and unbecoming of a teacher. He may be educated, but he clearly has an immature mind and an insensitive heart. The best thing you can do is write to him a very eloquent letter, respectfully stating how his utterances hurt your friend, illustrating to him with clear facts the wrongness of what he said. You should point out that Allah created all mankind in order to worship Him alone, and that marriage is only one of these acts of worship. Marriage and childbirth are what actually change the natural physique of women. And to deliberately target and humiliate a person publicly is a great transgression against that individual.

Where has the love go to?

Dear Nabilah,

Recently I had a quarrel with my husband because he insulted my parents and I did same to him and he ended up beating me severely. This was strange. I recall our courtship days, how he used to lavish love and attention on me and treat me with care and respect, and love me so much. After seven years of marriage and three children, I wonder where all that abundant love has gone. Was it all fake?

Confused.

Dear Confused,

The feelings of love and care experienced during courtship may be real, but the way it is expressed is definitely unreal and hugely exaggerated. The couple may expect what they were experiencing during courtship to extend and multiply after marriage, and when that does not happen, they may feel deceived.

Another thing that contributes to the disappearance of love after marriage is that during courtship, the two hide their authentic personalities from each other. Unfortunately, after marriage the real personalities emerge and they find out that they do not like each other.

Personality clash is also something that makes love disappear after marriage, everyone got his own unique personality completely different from the other. Personalities that match well benefit the union while personalities that clash may harm each other. Opposite personalities can be good to one marriage and harmful to another, likewise similar personalities can benefit a particular marriage and harm another.

But on a serious note, any man that attacks and hits a woman does not deserve to be called a man. I advise you to investigate the personality of your husband because you may be married to someone with a narcissistic personality.

If you plan to continue staying in this abusive union because of a particular need of investment of yours in the marriage, I advise you to keep your mouth shut and never talk back to your husband in an insulting, derisive or angry manner, especially when you realise that he is in an angry mood and his fingers are itching to strike you.