Godliness with incompetence

Who says we are abnormal? I am very proud of my country, with its many abnormalities. Where else in God’s pachamama are elections fought like full-fledged wars with the potential victims painfully tolerating it except in Nigeria? The military that midwifed democracy for Nigeria believed that the civil populace, over whom it lords everything, could not be trusted to ‘behave’ properly at elections. They have been proved right over and again. According to Premium Times, 21,000 security personnel were deployed to police the Osun State elections last weekend. Their lot was to provide security, and protect voters, balloting materials and election officials.

This may be totally strange to an Ontarian, the Canadian province that hosts the nation’s capital. In June, willing voters trooped out to elect a premier in which the incumbent, Doug Ford was standing. Ford is a member of an emergent dynasty that aptly describes itself as #FordNation. Canadian Premiers are the peers of governors in Nigeria.

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You could say that the Ontario election did not pack punches. Canadians describe lying and impropriety as the eternal hobby of Nigerian politicians’ scandals. While the emergent Canadian nation could be considered a ‘Christian’ nation; not once did religion play a role in that or any previous Canadian election. This may sound like equating apples with Gbagyi yam tubers; we must remember that we all are on this same planet.

Now, one couldn’t even persuade a Covid-lockdown-weary Canadian to take a two-week vacation to Osun Osogbo without it generating a dozen Google-searched reasons to choose hell instead. Hell-bound passengers know what awaits them there according to the holy writ.

Osun people were forbidden from opening their businesses while the election lasted for at least 24 hours. Though the Yoruba love big ceremonies, nobody could have wedded, celebrated or buried anywhere in Osun State last Saturday, except they did it en cachette. Osun did not generate any income last Saturday just to give a semblance of a democratised state.

Small casualties are usually uncounted in electoral wars; therefore we would hardly count the fiscal casualties of last Saturday’s poll. Electoral violence is a usual expectation in Nigeria; not an aberration. Whenever we take the presidential plunge, the nation would be closed to land, sea and air traffic. In case children think this is normal, it is not.

When asked Canadians to wear masks and stay indoors to protect them from a ravaging air-borne disease, they launched a Freedom Movement that paralysed activities in the nation’s capital and launched a Go-Fund-Me campaign in which thousands  were donated. They blocked the capital city and openly insulted their political leaders. Justin Trudeau would never contemplate a curfew just because his people are required to vote. Joe Biden, often touted the most powerful leader on earth, would never dream of it, nor would Boris Johnson or any of his European counterparts. Yet, when these powerlessly powerful leaders attend international meetings, Muhammadu Buhari is there in their midst.

Let’s thank the people of Osun for showing that they are part of the global citizenry with their voter apathy. Lower than 50 per cent of Osun registered voters participated in Saturday’s polls. In June, only 43.5 per cent of eligible Ontario voters gave Ford a second term for a country so advanced that citizens are automatically registered to vote at 18 without queues and are so advanced they could vote ahead of the polling day and also online.

In the United Kingdom, after forcing out their Teflon Prime Minister, Boris Johnson the political terrain has been opened to all. Muhammadu Buhari, who regularly holidays in London, says he is tired except that he cannot find any example of a resignation letter on Google.

Buhari hopes someone from his party succeeds him come 2023. If he is the loyal party leader that Johnson is, his eyes should be fixed on Bola Ahmed Tinubu with whom he shares a lot in common including missing certificates and knowledge of actual age.

In England, all the potential replacements for Boris Johnson are below the age of 50, know how they plan to run government differently and have educational and birth certificates. The worst insult is that a British-Nigerian lady, Kemi Badenoch is a serious contender. Born in England, schooled in Nigeria and the US and elected into the British Parliament under the Conservative Party; this daughter of Nigerian immigrants hopes to govern a country where people of her ilk are in the minority. Imagine the insolence if a Christian woman should attempt to run for the prime minister of Nigeria! The last time Tinubu tested a woman for deputy governor, he was scalded by and quickly dropped the hot potato.

Nigeria agrees with its current president that even its best women are better suited for the kitchen, the sitting room and the other room. These global leaders could keep entrusting women with political power, Nigeria will continue to subjugate them until it gets a divine mandate to correct the impression that to have men working under  women is a divine curse.

For now, we are yet to embrace the idea that every Nigerian qualifies for the highest office in the land. Whenever it suits the puppeteers, they swing the balance rope in favour of ethnicity, region, but above all; religion. In Nigeria, when we show up at the polling booth, we do not vote with the expectation that the figures would reflect our choice, but that divine forces would swing the polls in favour of a pre-ordained candidate.

The trouble is that the jury is out on which of the gods make leaders for men after they have voted. Christians believe it happens when Jesus switches the results while Muslims see the divine hands of Allah. These imposed religions trace their origins to an ancient man called Abraham, who lived somewhere in the Middle East and exercised his rights to love two women. The effect of his actions is causing ripples in Africa and elsewhere.

While the rest of the world have retired the deity to his ancient palace, placing competence at the core of leadership resume, Nigerians are in a competition over whose chi holds the superiority over the other. While Buhari searches for the disengagement button, his potential successor has added fuel to the fire by choosing another Muslim as his running mate. The Christians are worried this might affect their rights to buy at the global market.

Progressive nations have separated religion and state, but Nigeria is tied to it. Attempting to separate State from religion here is like attempting to identify the leopard bleached of its spots. It would appear that Nigerians prefer a superficially religious dunce to a competent one.

Nigeria is not ready for an ambitious Badenoch except she appeals to their ethnic or religious cleavage no matter how qualified. Some wouldn’t vote for a woman even if she is most qualified. They’ll ask her to stay home and take care of the kids. In Nigeria, Godliness with incompetence is preferred to competence without the usual pretense to religious piety. We hope to make progress this way and be counted as full-fledged members of the comity of nations.