Dearest darling Buhari,
I must begin by speaking about Atiku. I know it is a sensitive subject for us because everyone is spreading the rumour that Atiku is trying to steal me from you. Let me lay all your fears to rest: I have never been and will never be attracted to Atiku. I know he once posted photos of him going to the gym but I see no evidence. He still has the average Nigerian big man pot belly. And you dress better than him. There is nothing to worry about.
Atiku just said that he was leaving your party. He is just jealous that you are going to run again in 2019. And I say it shouldn’t make you lose a moment’s sleep. There is always a way to accelerate investigation into INTELS for example. Atiku is just jealous that because you have made Nigeria so safe and prosperous and free from all corruption, everyone loves you.
Ehen I heard that men from EFCC and DSS clashed while EFCC was conducting an operation to arrest a former DSS chief. I have to say, life under your government is full of very interesting drama. Those who criticise you for not taking charge of things forget that a dull country is a country no one wants to invest in. You are keeping things wild and interesting, which will also be great when we sell the movie rights for your time in office.
I must say that I am impressed with the Ghost Working skills of Maina who has been disappearing and reappearing without anyone seeming to know how. Just this week three of your staff: the AGF, the Head of Service and the Minister for Interior Affairs all denied being responsible for Maina’s return, even though letters were written and approvals were signed for this. He even had security. Instead of getting upset about all this I have a suggestion. You know how in the US some hackers when they are caught are made to work for the government to help catch other hackers? Or how some criminals end up working for the FBI or CIA? Why don’t we do something like that? Because you have to admit it: Maina is a smooth criminal. There is an Interpol warrant for his arrest, an EFCC warrant among others. He is a fugitive who was able to resume work and even sign papers after he was fired. We need to find out how he singlehandedly forged a letter from the AGF, forged his reinstatement, and got security for himself. Because none of your staff was responsible. They are all loyal and would not do anything to undermine your perfect government. So maybe Maina can teach us how to be the perfect ghost worker.
Can I just congratulate you on what I think is a feat: you are the only president in a long time who has done and can do no evil. Not a single case of incompetence or corruption can be traced to you. It is always people around you trying to bring you down with their shenanigans. Some may say that this implies that you are not in charge of the government. In fact a couple of Senators this week asserted this when they were complaining about the EFCC-DSS clash. But I say it is a sign of your strength and purity that everyone around you is dirty but no dirt rubs off on you.
Darling, I heard Tinubu say that there is no automatic ticket for you in 2019. If he wants to beg you for something, let him just come out and say it. We all know that you will be president until 2023. No point fighting it. I really look forward to going on the campaign trail with you. We need to begin promising people things: you know bridges and things like that. Also, you know you have to travel more than you did before. So, pace yourself. We don’t want Atiku looking healthier than you when the campaigns get into full gear. Also I was wondering, will you do the debates this time? I am not sure you should. People are used to you not speaking and there is no point spoiling that now. Nigerians will understand, like they have understood you these past few years.
Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him, his wife and his people. I know you want to. Hugs.
Yours until 2023 and forever