For better or for out

On the 30th of November, a Mr. Owoeye Alex Adekunle posted on Facebook that his sister was murdered in the UK by her husband: “This is to officially announce the painful Exit (sic) of my dear sister, Nurse Owoeye Taiwo Morenikeji, married to Abodunde David Olubunmi of Ipotu Ekiti.

According to Suffolk Police in the UK and the available documents/records sent to us via mail/direct conversations from the UK Police, after thoroughly conducted investigations, despite been (sic) caught in the act, he (the husband) was declared the sole murderer of his wife (my sister). As for the children, they are currently being taken care of by the UK social services.”

From what I could glean from the social media pages of the accused and the deceased, the latter turned 41 in August, was married for 17 years, and birthed three sons. On November 17, 2022, she posted a lovey-dovey photo of herself and her would-be killer, celebrating their 16th wedding anniversary. Things seemed normal. So, between then and last month, something changed.

When relationships crash, they rarely crash all of a sudden. They start cracking slowly and then they crumble all at once. We may never know what made the husband snap and frankly, I do not need to know. Anyone who snaps enough to kill doesn’t deserve to tell their story.

Going through the late woman’s posts, it was obvious that she was going through stuff. For instance, in the past few months, she posted a clip of a pastor(?) warning against being in a relationship with narcissistic, manipulative men, captioned, “When Husbands are worse than Witchcraft.”  She also posted a status update which suggested that keeping quiet while being attacked was a sign of maturity rather than an indication of weakness, and one of her last posts was a reel advising that a woman who has learned to be alone, who has learned to enjoy her own company; a woman who has become strong because she has been through a lot, a woman who knows her self-worth should be valued by anyone she gives the opportunity to be in her life.

Folks are on her page advising women to speak up if they are in toxic marriages, they oughtn’t to stay until they are murdered. All well and good, but those that have spoken up publicly, how far? That doctor, Ifeyinwa Angbo whose journalist husband, Pius Angbo almost beat to death in 2020, only a few weeks after she had a baby via surgery, wasn’t she bullied back into that same marriage by the ‘do-goody’ Governor Samuel Ortom and his wife? Wasn’t she broken enough to even write an open letter asking everyone to leave her and her husband alone?

The truth is that for as long as marriage is held up as the be-all and end-all of any woman’s life, there will always be women willing to stay on and fight for their relationships even if it kills them. And when they decide they have given all they have to give, like Dr. Angbo who detailed a history of abuse in her marriage, there would be those like Governor Ortom and his wife who would encourage them to return to their abusers because “every marriage has its problems.”

The problem isn’t that women aren’t speaking up. Or that those who encourage them to stay are evil. The problem is the society that prioritises any marriage – even a bad one- above no marriage (at least for women of a certain age). And when the bad marriage has produced offspring, women are encouraged to stay for the “sake of the children.” See how casually single women are abused for their singlehood by even their fellow women for every perceived infraction.

Divorce is a “bad” word. Every other day, someone or the other is reminding women (particularly) that marriage is forever.  In August, veteran actor, Mr. Pete Edochie, in an interview “bemoaned the divorce spree rocking (Nollywood).” He said that women must remember that when they take the marital vow, it is “for better or for worse, not for better or out.” When a divorced woman uses her experience to try to warn against toxic marriages, as happened not too long ago, she is accused of wanting to recruit members for her coven.

The Igbo say that when a farmer encounters something bigger than the farm, he sells the barn. There are problems that are beyond solving, one of which is a persistent wife abuser. You cannot love them right. No one should convince you-especially if you have the means to leave- to stay until you are killed. Especially when there are children involved.