Failing to upgrade self at a great cost

This week we are discussing a marital issue but from the point of view of the husband: “My wife is so ignorant. I don’t know if it is just laziness or lack of interest but she makes no effort to upgrade herself and it is affecting our kids. And worst of all, she does not bother. I try to develop myself every day and wish for me and her to grow together. How can I make my wife smart and open to change as she seems keen on being naive. I believe a little effort on her part will ease off most of these quarrels that we are having. I’m getting tired and thinking if it was a mistake that I married her.”
Adebunmi William, a 36-year-old pharmacist, wonders if they were compatible when they were courting: “Was there something else that made him marry her and now he is noticing that she isn’t that smart? Anyway, it’s too late to cry over spilt milk, what he needs now is a solution. He should sit her down and tell her some home truths, because as I see it, if she doesn’t upgrade, you may go look elsewhere for the already upgraded lady. This is one aspect many women fail to realise is important in marriage. Just because he has married you does not mean you should stop taking care of yourself. It puts men off. We should learn to keep our men by upgrading often else they look elsewhere.”
Sandra Ndukuba, a 40-year-old doctor, says: “Most men are attracted to the temporal aspect of women in most cases and when reality dawns on them they begin to complain or look for a reason to cheat. He did know that she was that before he married her so why is he complaining now? You can’t make her do something unless she’s willing to do it. Be patient with her as this shouldn’t be a problem in the marriage. Let her know that it is affecting you and might rub off on the children as they learn from her.
“Let her see that you like to update yourself and would like her to do same. Being married to her from the beginning might give her the impression that you liked her the way she is and she might have it at the back of her mind to remain that way. Never make her feel she is worthless when it comes to learning. Don’t force the change on her for that might make her rebellious. A nice discussion will do the trick. As they say you can force a horse to the river but you can’t force it to drink”
Fatima Aliyu, a 38-year-old public relations consultant, opines that: “She must be one of these very irresistible ladies whom he had to marry but failed to take into consideration her attitude before marrying her. This is not to say I support women who do not strive to better themselves after marriage. All women should make it a priority to look even better after marriage. I know of women whose main goal in life is just to get married and have kids. They don’t want anything beyond that. No matter how much their hubbies invest in improving them, they will always prefer to be left alone in their dumbness and as such will not put any effort. I hope she snaps out of this mentality fast before she loses her man.”
The male folk were not left out as they gave their opinion on the matter. Forty-five-year-old lecturer, Osemi Onyibe, speaking from experience, says: “When I married my wife, she never liked reading, improving herself intellectually or even grooming herself like other ladies so I took the pain to groom her, either by force, lying or teasing. I started with comic books, story books and even fashion magazines.
“Today, she owns her own school and even calls me an illiterate. What I am trying to say is that a wife would become what her husband wants her to be only if he puts it to her the right way. I understand how you feel; it can be frustrating especially in the midst of family and friends. African men believe their prestige lies in the kind of wife they present to the society.”
Marriage counsellor, Mrs. Chika Emmanuel, wonders why a woman would not change if her husband demands it as getting greater value from her: “It is obvious this husband does not want to stay out late after work and cheat but would rather want to be at home with his wife who can engage him in a good discussion and also look and smell nice for him. Women fail to understand that if they don’t give their husbands what they want, they are indirectly pushing them outside.”
He adds that: “My advice to the husband is to talk to her and let her understand why she needs to step up not only for herself but also for the kids. Encourage her in love. Don’t force it or quarrel with her if you do she will lose interest. Do things together as often as possible. It may help. When you’re both home tune in to stations that will help her to learn. Don’t give up on her. The duty of our spouses is to make us better and improve on our flaws.”
To women out there, this is one of the most important reasons why men cheat. You must upgrade your brain, soul and body. It helps a great deal. On this issue ignorance is a sin, a crime and unforgivable. Men are looking for the tiniest reason to cheat, please don’t help them. It is best we learn to upgrade once in a while or learn the hard way.