A friend told me recently of how some random stranger slipped into her DM to ask for help to pay their house rent. She had no idea who this person was, my friend said. “But how is it sustainable to ask strangers for help with house rent?” I had no response for my friend but it took us on a long conversation about economic hardship and entitlement culture. In Naija, your money isn’t yours alone; it’s your community’s. I recall that not so long ago, Naija Twitter was split between those who thought some footballer‘s extended family was right in calling him out for not helping them out enough financially, and those who thought that while he shouldn’t have allowed his extended family not benefit from his wealth, they shouldn’t have called him out on it publicly. Only very few thought that the footballer’s financial responsibility didn’t necessarily extend to anyone outside of his wife and children.
So yes, it is our culture to be our brother’s keeper. And yes, it is a good thing. In a society where there is very little in the way of social welfare, families are often the only help people who are in need have, but as with everything, too much of it is bad. Those who would exploit it do so, and therefore you find folks who feel entitled to money they haven’t worked for. They really do think of it as their money. Someone told me of their uncle calling him several times, and then leaving them an angry voicemail about how upset he was that his call wasn’t being answered. When the person called back the uncle to explain that he wasn’t ignoring his call but had been having a hectic week, he was lambasted by the uncle who told him, “I am your uncle. Whenever I call you, you must answer. I don’t care how busy you are. Anyway, I need some money.” This uncle, this person told me, had his children’s school fees paid for, his hospital bills paid for, and yet he would often call to ask for more money without even explaining what the money would be used for. As far as he was concerned, he was his nephew’s responsibility. If he needed money to pay his house rent, to buy a goat for Christmas, or to simply gamble with, all he had to do was call the “bank” and ask for money to be sent to him.
And while I think that one must not throw away the baby with the bath water – we mustn’t condemn our communal African way of life and its demands on us because of those who abuse it. However, we must be circumspect in how we ask for help and how we give it. If your house rent being paid is dependent on the magnanimity of strangers, perhaps it is time to look for what you can afford. If eating Christmas goat is dependent on you blowing up someone’s phone, maybe you should eat something less expensive. Perhaps, all this is easier said than done, and it is easy for me to say because of my relative privilege, but it seems like common sense to cut your coat according to your size. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to remember that those you are asking for help have other responsibilities too.
I am writing this on Christmas morning, so I wish you all the blessings and joy of the season, whether you celebrate or not. Let me close by sharing the poem I wrote this year for my family’s Christmas card. I hope, whatever your situation is, no matter how chaotic and hectic your world is, that you find moments of tranquility…
Today, I learned the word ataraxy:
A state of serene calmness
As in: the world feels like it is crumbling but I find ataraxy in music;
In the sun and in the stars
In the sun and in the stars
I see wonder and magic
I see magic which is another word for the miraculous
And is another word for hope
Hope is another way of seeing, another way of saying:
See the weeds that grow boldly, the trees and the birds
The birds do not think the world is crumbling
They still gift us with their songs
Their songs greeted me today
I learned the word ataraxy
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