Enter Buhari’s Nẹs Lẹbù apostles

President Muhammadu Buhari gets my handclap for bringing change to governance. Just five months into his Nẹs Lẹbù, he has nominated, nay cleared brand-new-second hand cabinet members. All hail the Nẹs Lẹbù Apostles! All; except wailers. This cabinet of yestermen sprinkled with a dash of new converts is what Naija needs to join the race to Mars now that the world is celebrating 50 years of the moon landing.

While wailers are gnashing their teeth hailers have moved on – I saw the Aso-ebi at the ministerial clearinghouse. Families, states, regions and religions are celebrating with their appointees, only losers are whining – classical politrics.

We must be grateful that Sai Baba is not ruining the show alone, or with 80 per cent of the people who served him before Babangida struck in 1985. Sai Baba is a promise keeper. He promised to run faster than he did in 2005. Anyone who has followed the tales of Anansewa knows that tortoises are naturally incapable of racing hares, except of course in Tales by Moonlight. Please stop comparing Boris Johnson with Muhammadu Buhari. Just because Buhari winters in London does not make Johnson a Buhari appointee or the UK Naija’s 37th state.

How many of you wailers, having spent 30 years in political purdah in Kaduna can confidently nominate 43 apostles from every state, zone, region and religion without including the dead? Give Bubu his due. The analyses of this cabinet made in APC heaven are off the mark. Claims of none youth representation is exaggerated in a land where a political party once appointed a 60-year old as its youth leader. Political mathematicians agree that the average age of these ministers is 59.3. That’s clearly seven points below the national average in a country where life expectancy is fifty.

This cabinet boasts of whopping seven women. Seven women for a man whose wife belongs to his kitchen, his sitting room and the aza room! Beijing activists would never see that most of these female appointees are from WEEK states – meaning states that believe that Women Education Ends in the Kitchen.

Wailers should take a dose of optimism and accept that things are getting better. Wailers exclaimed that the ex-governors nominees in the new cabinet are failed governors. Pray, which Failed Governor’s Tribunal declared them so? Under our laws, only our courts and the EFCC have rights to pronounce people in our ruining party as corrupt. Mere suspicion of corruption is not the same thing as corruption; otherwise those who stole meat from their mother’s soup pots would never qualify as ministers.

When sinners join the Association of Pardoned Criminals, (APC); their sins are not only forgiven but cleansed, please quote Adams Oshiomhole on that. Besides, these people were cleared by the best security services in the world – the same ones that made Naija a testing ground for groups such as Boko Haram, kidnappers, herdsmen and cultists. The same agencies whose excellent intelligence gathering and crime bursting has ceded Naija roads to armed groups.

Besides, we are experienced in this game to know that vicarious sainthood covers these nominees. If Muhammadu Buhari points his anti-corruption sceptre towards anyone living or dead, they are canonized in the political pantheon. Because, it is a known fact in the African Union, that Buhari is incorruptible. As bad company corrupts good morals, sainthood cleanses all sinners.

Wailers say some nominees owe AMCON having run their organizations and people’s money aground. Nonsense. Governors run their states aground, yet they get selected and elected into various offices if they remain loyal. Kogi, a classical example of a failed state, just got its ruining governor endorsed by the ruining party for a second term and the confluence of the Niger and Benue has not overflown its banks or dried up due to global warming.

Wailers claim that it was not excellent performance that returned Sai Baba to Arsehole Rock and that he’s back to repeat a failed class. At least this time, he will get a proper certificate. The muzungu say that the apple does not fall too far from its tree, here we say that the mango does not fall in the desert and grow. If we must reposition the party, the nation and its economy, we must stop vilifying people for owing debts. We must hail those who create rooms for those with bad, sorry, bank debts to reposition themselves for greater performance. No job pays higher dividends or positions to distribute patronage like ministerial appointments, except of course being legislooters.

In all these, the Irrational Assembly did not disappoint. It promised to stop the bow and go culture and kept to its promise in the breach. This is a patriotic sinnate. A harangue of nominees would have globally exposed state secrets and brought Naija to disrepute and ridicule at a time that we need to look and feel clean everywhere we go. Nothing can stop a minister whose turn to perfect his corruption has come and wailers are advised to stop wailing.

Good job Mr. President! Welcome to the Apostles of Nẹs Lẹbù! La looting continua!