Barely two weeks after the Tudun Biri massacre, President Bọla Ahmed Tinubu was so incensed by the sloppiness of those in charge of defence that he contemplated a few things. One was to order all flags to fly at half mast, declare a state of mourning, cancel all state functions and travel to the scene to inspect the carnage unleashed on his citizens. Then once there, he was to announce the suspension of all service chiefs and unit commanders after listening to what he knew would be their usual lame explanations.
He then returned to Abuja to savour the positive reactions of Nigerians as they embraced a president who has the balls to do right by his citizens. That was to help them forget the harsh effects of the harried withdrawal of the so-called fuel subsidy that inflicted unprecedented hardship on all.
How did I know all this, by reading too many news of what happens when democracy works? None of that happened here. Not to be disappointed, the government has promised an enquiry, a euphemism for hushing all accusations and making Nigerians forget the disaster and move on.
Two weeks later, nearly 120 soldiers were promoted to their next ranks as generals and brigadiers-general. It was like promoting one general for each life lost in Tudun Biri. To paraphrase Goodluck Jonathan who once reminded us that terrorism is here to stay, collateral damage has become a feature of modern guerilla warfare. It affects even the American military, although with different reactions. Dropping the ball with impunity has no repercussions in Nigeria.
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Two weeks later, an army of marauders rode triumphantly into Plateau State to initiate a massacre that has continued till date. The initial death rate was estimated at 200. If 200 qualia birds were culled in an aviary, animal rights activists would have raised hell. In Nigeria who feels it knows it. If it’s far from you, just ignore it and move on.
With gusto, the president announced in his Christmas message, that Nigeria has never been as safe since he assumed office. Questioning the accuracy of the assessment of our commander-in-chief must be treasonable since the ball lands in his court. The president can never be wrong.
We would have moved on like the wildebeest of Serengeti at the great migration being ambushed by lions and crocodiles except that a journalist killjoy connived with his editor to try to disrupt our peace. He went undercover to neighbouring Republique Populaire du Benin and emerged six weeks later with a Chicago, sorry, I meant a Benin Bachelor of Science degree, BB.Sc. He subsequently applied for mobilisation into the directorate of the National Youth Service Corps, NYSC and was qualified to serve his fatherland, albeit for the second time. If Salisu Buhari and Kemi Adeosun knew that things were this easy, they’d be on the national honour roll till today.
The publication of the scandal woke the sleeping giants in the education sector – from the dormant education ministry to the NYSC directorate and of course, the business-oriented National Universities Commission, NUC whose responsibility it is to accredit courses. Nobody could accuse the NUC of indolence as in the last two decades, they have worked assiduously to ensure the death of publicly-funded universities become a shadow of their former selves while accrediting mushroom private universities in virtually every nook and corner of this nation.
In their reactive dynamism, the NUC placed a blanket ban on all schools in Benin, Togo and everywhere else in the West coast of the continent. The effect this blanket ban would have on legitimate students running authentic courses notwithstanding. It’s like, if the chicken spills your concoction, retaliate by smashing its incubated eggs. Authentic students would have to wait in limbo until those who dropped the ball on foreign accreditation get their acts together. They’ll keep drawing their salaries and jumbo allowances.
Actually, the blanket ban is justification for foreign travel to the institutions at public expense to verify the compatibility of their degrees with Nigerian standards which, as we all know have not been reviewed for decades judging by the quality of unemployable graduates being churned out yearly from most of our glorified primary schools mushrooming as universities. Drop the ball and create an opportunity for foreign travel allowance in this Balablu economy. Such travels generate testimonies in an era when the Naira is floating listlessly in the exchange market
We’d be pardoned if these are the only mournful scandals of a new year. However, from all indications, the patriarchy has connived with the enemies of Nigeria to target women in government. Two gorgeous ladies’ honourable ministers are being ‘maligned’ for corruption; a crime traditionally associated with the male gender. Our outgone minister of humanitarian affairs et al, Sadiya Umar-Farouq, the woman who lifted millions of Nigerians from the abyss of poverty by Bluetooth is accused of laundering N37.1 billion.
In Nigeria, the island of integrity, such an accusation usually leads to mental and physical trauma. This is where lawyers and doctors come in. Doctors, being next to God qualify to label a hunk as dying, while lawyers are there to put a legal spin on it. Apparently, Madam Farouk’s doctors say she is too ill to face EFCC interrogation. It would be easier to squeeze water out of a rock than to find a woman who was appointed by Muhammadu Buhari, Africa’s anti-corruption poster-president guilty of misappropriation.
As for the allegations against Betta Edu, ranging from approving flights for places without airports to ordering the transfer of government funds into private accounts, there must be an official alibi. With the government promising an enquiry, we might have heard the last of the ‘smear campaign’ as efforts would now shift to how a secret memo made it to the media.
Our dynamic NANS President wanted attention shifted from paper degrees to the prosecution of the reporter who carried out the sting operation. In a TV interview, he suggested that sting operations are treasonable felonies that indict ministry officials, customs and other security agencies as well as the agencies of education caught napping. With such logic, the future of Nigeria is indeed very bright.
If that was an escape route for fake degrees, including those manufactured in Chicago, why bother probing Edu when what we should be probing is how an official memo gets leaked to the media? To a generation of Nigerians fed on official hogwash from government-owned megaphones, unearthing corruption does more damage to the nation than running prudent governance. An army spokesman concluded that the Plateau carnage was orchestrated to embarrass the president. Thank God the president is beyond being embarrassed. He had a peaceful rest in Lagos and a triumphant re-entry back to Abuja.
People who leak official secrets and their acolytes would soon find out what happens by the time the police conclude its sting operations into the activities of Gistlover. Those who sit in beer parlours to say that this regime lost its moral right to fight corruption because of manipulated election results, dodgy educational qualifications of top government officials and discreditable court interpretations should remember that famous military meme of yore. It says, even the fish would not get into trouble if it learns to keep its mouth shut.