Do marriages get better over time?

While on a trip where we met with a group of women from various backgrounds, a question was raised by a participant of a conference focused on raising children positively. The question was, simply: “Does marriage get better or worse with time?” Any married couple knows this is a question that has been debated silently or openly at one point or the other.
One of the participants, Amal Ismeel, in her mid-thirties and a businesswoman, explained that she had only been married for three years but is yet to find happiness in her home as the joy she felt when she first got married continues to dwindle. “I don’t like where my husband and I are now. We can sit together for hours without saying a word to each other. Before then, we always had something to say. I am scared the situation will get worse as the marriage gets older. If it goes on, how can we raise children positively? How do I handle this?”
The question caused silence in the room for a while, before the Coordinator of the programme, Esma Yigit, broke it by saying the woman, in every marriage, makes the home. “A woman, they say, buildeth her home. Have you tried playing or joking with him like the old days before you both got married? We should always try and come up with jokes and conversations that will bring smiles to the face of our spouses or make him laugh his heart out.  On the other hand, you should also be able to tell him what bothers you. Talk to him — he is your husband, not a stranger.” She said it’s always a good idea to surprise a spouse with his favourite dish; pamper him, and it will bring back the spark into your home. Marriage gets better. Just make sure there’s no dull moment in your home.”
Another participant, Olufunke Adegoke, in her thirties and an accountant, said marriage gets better with time. “There is a proverb from a part of the country I come from. It says it with old honey that remedies are concocted. As a wife, you are the ‘old honey’ no matter what. I would suggest that you don’t wait for him to start a conversation. Ask him about his day even if he doesn’t ask about yours, pray for him daily, do things for him at random, tell him daily how much you love him even if he doesn’t say it back. Hug him for no reason, tell him you want him to know you are always happy when he is around and even if he doesn’t say it, you know he loves you very much. Smile every time he walks into the room; massage his feet when he doesn’t expect it. Only you can bring that change you want.”
Back in Nigeria, Halima Hassan, 30, a mother of three and also a businesswoman, is of the opinion that some men do not talk much, naturally. “So it’s up to the woman to initiate the talk. That’s why most men give short answers when asked questions.  You can start it this way, think of something really funny and meet him with it the moment he enters the room. The moment he starts to laugh, you just lean on him and laugh till you are OK. After laughing together, then you ask him about how his day went. This system creates a friendly atmosphere and can release stress. Don’t stop doing the things you did before marriage. Spice them up instead.”
Chika Obinwa, 42, is a Computer Engineer, and she believes marriages get better with time.  “The first few years are not always smooth, but just hang on a little while. These first few years are where your patience comes into play. My first few years weren’t that easy but here I am now in my ninth year of marriage and still counting and we are all happy now. Trust me, it gets better with time.”
Marriage Counsellor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi, when posed with the question, responded thus: “Marriage will not just work on its own. It needs two committed and mature people that will make it work. If you want your marriage to be either heaven on earth or hell, it’s in the hands of the couple, but especially the woman. The woman should sit her husband down and discuss things they like and those they don’t. She should go back to do things she used to do when they were dating that made him fall in love with her.  Marriage is a decision to make it work. It begins with you.”
Communication is the key to any successful marriage, as women we need to make an effort to keep the communication channel open always. When there is no positive communication, then all the essence of the marriage is lost and can be difficult to bring back on track.