Dear Young Naija Woman

Someone shared a post about a man who helped a rich Lagos woman fix her Lexus car which broke down in traffic, and the woman took his details, invited him to her apartment on the Island where she lived alone – no sign of husband or family- kept him for five days, gave him a car and N5 million. Whether this happened truly or not, folks (men) were under the post praying for some of that goodness to fall their way: a single, wealthy woman with car trouble and lots of money to give them.

Unlike many posts with single women of a certain age at the centre of them, I am yet to read a single derisive comment about this woman (who may or may not exist). Or about men “kept” by such women. Yet, on these social media streets, barely a day goes by without someone (usually a man) warning young women about aging themselves out of marriage and spending their old age alone. It seems to be then, that when a woman has the means to give a total stranger N5 million for helping her to fix her car, then it is okay that she is single.

Apart from the fact that this story is probably not true, it also fits a certain narrative:  that a woman, no matter how wealthy and independent she is, will always be so desperate for a man as to invite a broke, strange man to her house to keep her company and compensate him richly for the privilege of his worthless time. Think about it: a man who has five days to spend away from his own home and work is probably jobless, and perhaps couch surfing, therefore his time isn’t really worth much. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Not when the narrative is that a man, no matter how little he has to bring to the table is enough for any woman no matter how outsized her contribution.

Dear Naija young woman, do not listen to such nonsense. And there are lots of people, in all sorts of places who will spout it in all manner of ways. A pastor at a wedding I went to reminded the new bride that no matter how tired she was after work, to make sure that her husband didn’t go to bed hungry. The male MC at an event I went to a few years ago, here in Atlanta, while introducing a distinguished female speaker, an obstetrician of note, made sure to add that she was “someone’s wife” and that no matter what her achievements were, a woman without a husband was incomplete. Toh.

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I am married (and happily too for many years), so you won’t see me knocking marriage, but marriage isn’t an achievement. It isn’t something to be chased to the detriment of your goals. Who are you? What do you want to do with your life? How do you live a life that is worthy of your existence? When you enter a relationship or a marriage knowing that you are enough (and nobody is completing you), you are better able to give your best to that relationship.  

Moreover, it is dangerous to think of yourself as an incomplete puzzle to be completed by someone marrying you (by the way, I never hear men being told that) because it puts the pressure on you to settle down with Mister Right Now rather than the proverbial Mister Right. That’s why someone who is still working on himself can imagine that he is THE prize, and gets you to believe that no matter how he treats you, you ought to suck it up because who in their right mind throws away a valued gift?  

The moral of that story making the rounds shouldn’t be that single, wealthy women are always in need of men that they’d pick strangers off the street. It should be that when you are independent, you can call the shots. I don’t know any of my single, independent, women friends who would spend that currency so foolishly (proof that that story was probably made up by a man). So, concentrate on you. Don’t force relationships. And when and if you can call the shots, don’t squander it.