Curbing excessive sibling rivalry

Children are bound to have problems among themselves in their growing up years. In most cases such rivalry and quarrels can be done out of ignorance but when it becomes obvious that such rivalry is getting out of hand, parents need to take a stand.
Mrs. Adenike (Not real name) explains her plight on the concerned issue: “I have two daughters, 16 and 14 years old. The elder one is very reserved while the younger is very outgoing and social. The younger one speaks fast and is a fast thinker unlike her older sister. The problem is they never get along with each other. They are always at each other’s throat. When they quarrel, they exchange very bitter words that make me sad. I have talked to them about it but they won’t listen and sometimes they keep malice because of this. What more can I do to make them love each other as sisters should?”
Jamila Mamudu, a 38-year-old public relations consultant, is of the opinion that they will grow out of it: “I will advise that the mum shouldn’t worry as they will grow out of it. They are just being teenagers now. That is why it is called sibling rivalry in the first place, it cannot go on forever. My immediate elder sister and I went through the same if not worse but guess what today we are best of friends even on the night of her wedding we quarreled but then it didn’t stop us from being the best of friends.”
Thirty-nine-old Tracy Obazee, who works as a nurse believes that all sisters fight: “If it were to be boys they would understand between themselves. Girls have that problem of getting along with each other. All that been said I think the younger sibling should be cautioned. She should be made to understand that respect is reciprocal and should accord her elder sister one. The same thing happened between my younger sister and I; we were forever fighting. My mum died early and our parents always used to tell me to be patient since I was the elder one. Subsequently, she got worse and worse with the rivalry until my dad died three years ago and I gave her a piece of my mind on how she has been continually saved by our parents. She quickly apologised and since then, we have been best friends.  So parents should try to put an early stop to sibling rivalry before it gets out of hand.”
Fanta Ahmed, a 32-year-old medical student, agrees with her friend Obazee that girls fight, but says that is not okay and shouldn’t be the norm: “As a mother we need to get them trained properly between themselves before they take the same attitude outside. It shouldn’t be in anyway tolerated for girls who are siblings to fight.  They can be allowed to disagree but not fight. The way they are allowed to disagree is important as bullying, name calling, hitting and keeping malice shouldn’t be allowed. Parents should make siblings work together. Explain to them that they are sisters and as parents you will not tolerate them fighting and arguing in the house. Show them love and let them know how you feel about their behaviour.”
Afolabi Adelakun, a 40-year-old engineer says it is hurtful to see a younger sibling taking an elder one for a ride in the name of rivalry: “I sense a role reversal there where the younger because of her loud personality, is overshadowing the older one. There will be a tug of war for superiority. It’s so hurtful when a younger one is so arrogant or even sees you a competition. It’s never a good feeling, why would a younger one see her older sister as being dumb. This is really a sad situation and if the older one isn’t strong spiritually and emotionally, it could lead to lifetime hatred between them. Younger ones, especially the overzealous ones, tend to think they are smarter than their older ones, and it’s very wrong. I believe in oneness, love and understanding, and for that reason, if my younger one shows me any sign of rudeness, belittling acts or challenges me unnecessarily, I will make my point known, and when it persists, I will gladly avoid that person for real, that doesn’t mean that the love in me for her is gone, I’ll rather keep my sanity than die trying to please her. Stand firm as a mother and say it as it is when they go wrong.”
Hajiya Marayam Abdullahi, marriage counsellor says there is need for caution to play a very important role here: “Call your elder daughter; speak to her privately about her role as a senior sister. As a mother you must call the younger one to order in the presence of her older sister and their dad too. Tell that younger child that it’s expected of her to give respect to her elder sister and it is non- negotiable. After that let them apologise to each other for any offence they have committed. Let them hug each other and pray for each other at the end of the meeting. After this, if the younger one dares utter such words against her elder sister again, she should be made to face the repercussion.”
Abdullahi also cautioned parents not to make the mistake that just because children have different temperaments, that means one is better than the other but rather they are just different. “As parents we shouldn’t compare our children and make the older one feel inferior. Most times such comparisons make siblings hate each other. We should learn to show them equal treatment and teach the younger one to respect the older,” she said.
Whatever we do as parents we should never show we love one child more than another. Balance it out and always be just when judging between siblings, if excessive sibling rivalry should be curbed.