‘Corruptionvores’

Someone once said war is too serious to be left to the generals. I can borrow that and I say to you, life is too funny to let our politicians ruin it. These men who feed us on the indigestible diet of piffle daily, think all there is to life is a grim visage and mutual excoriation. In spite of them, this country has made some fantastic progress in giving the world some evidence that fact imitates fiction. When you hear the expression, it can only happen in Nigeria, spare a thought for our uniqueness and what other countries are missing.

Come with me for a short stroll down memory lane. In February last year, we established the fact that snakes love money too. We told the world that a snake ate N36 million in the JAMB office in Makurdi, Benue State. The world sat up. The thought of snake contractors slithering around the corridors of the presidential, governorship and ministerial offices, must be truly frightening to those who fear that human beings might be forced to reckon with snakes and possibly other animals in the quest for the mindless accumulation of wealth.

Perhaps, the story made you laugh until the tears drenched your face. Or perhaps, you shook your head, mumbled some imprecations about the strange ways of our country men and women and like me, waited to hear the news about the arrest of the snake that feeds on our precious Naira. I would not know if the snake was the serpent that encouraged Eve and Adam to eat from the tree of life in the Garden of Eden but it seems to me that snakes know something about mixed diets too. A rich mixed diet of rats and Naira must be pretty healthy for them.

Well, if, like me, you have not heard of the arrest of the said snake, don’t lose hope. The police, the same Nigeria Police Force of course, are busy investigating the incident. I do not intend to anticipate them but I am inclined towards the belief that when they eventually turn in their report, they are likely to declare with a straight face born of years of professional courage to do the impossible, that the said snake, accused of swallowing money instead of fellow animals, wild or domestic, has been hidden by disgruntled politicians and those with soiled fingers, the same sworn enemies of the anti-graft war. It cannot be found. Just like criminals hidden in the full sight of the police.

Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery. So, yes, just as we learnt from former US president Barack Obama, that we can, our animals now know that they too can. I was not, therefore, surprised to hear that another animal, a gorilla, grabbed the headlines last week because it had demonstrated the can-do spirit. It ate N6.8 million of the gate earnings accruing to the Kano State zoo. Well, if you are made an object of public curiosity, you would be right to seek to profit from it. What the gorilla ate was a pittance, if you compare that with the snake in Makurdi but I am sure it was not for lack of appetite. You see, JAMB candidates pay much more than visitors to the zoo; therefore, the snake had more money than the gorilla to play around with. I hear the police have sworn to arrest the said gorilla. But I also hear that there is no gorilla in the Kano zoo. Still, I look forward with abated breath to the day the animal, furry or not, would have its day in court.

Those who are inclined to jump to easy conclusions would suggest that these two incidents point to one thing and one thing only, to wit, the admirable height to which creativity in the theft of public fund has been taken. It is easy to arrest a cashier for stealing. It is more difficult to arrest an unseen snake or an absent gorilla for the same offence. I pity our police men and women. I pray for Ibrahim Magu and his men too. Each time they think it is time to lock the gates against corruption and give the key to Bangladesh, they are confronted with new ways of its perpetuation. They must find this really frustrating. Sorry.

I found an interesting take on these tales on page 59 of the Daily Trust of June 17. There, we meet a teacher and her pupils. She says to them, “Animals that eat herbs are called herbivores; animals that eat flesh are called carnivores. So, what do you call animals that swallow money?”

A pretty intelligent pupil promptly answers, “Corruptionvores.”

There you have it – a new word added to the English language. Now, you know where the headline of this piece came from. As the Americans like to say, ain’t that something?