Be firm, don’t go over board

To ensure that their children exhibit the best behaviour and abide by certain principles and standards that will go with them into adulthood, many parents apply strictness or tough standards to enforce compliance. Many ask if parents know when their firmness is going overboard and leading to negative results in their child.

Compared to children who are being raised by more liberal but disciplined parents, children in the care of very strict and rigid parents exhibit emotional imbalances.

Without going into detailed scientific analysis, there is usually a glaring difference between children raised with more liberal hands than those who have been raised in fear of their parents.

Such children tend to be overtly emotional about little and sometimes, insignificant occurrences, which under normal circumstances, should be expected.

Raised by strict parents, 21-0year-old Zara Mustapha, shared her experience and challenges she encountered living away from her home for the first time. “The first time I left home was when I was admitted into the Ahmadu Bello University (ABU), Zaria. My parents were opposed to my staying in a boarding house and would have preferred that my university too was the same. The first challenge I had was timidity and uneasiness in expressing my worries because at home, I was either shut down or my views discarded. I particularly remember my parents sometimes scolding me for daring to express certain views, because they imagined if I could think of such things, my morals were questionable. It was so bad that even when my menses started, I was too terrified to tell my mum and had to tell my teacher who taught me what to do. I was scared I would be accused of doing something wrong. Although I am ‘no longer under their watchful eyes, I’m still very haunted by their ways.”

Agreed that a child who has more exposure to well-rounded values, morals and balance when parents offer care, protection and attention; but at what point should they give the child a break?

Aisha Idris also expressed her views. “I was what you would describe as a good girl who did not live short of any expectations. But this was more out of fear of my father’s wrath than my belief in what I was being ‘taught’. Being a parent now, I appreciate the task of raising children until they are grown up and reap the rewards of a good lifestyle.

“My problem is going by my parents’ style, I realised I never learnt problem solving techniques and therefore, do not think in a logical manner. I see myself transferring on my children, the same military pattern in which my father brought me up with twenty seven years of military experience. I rarely really think for myself because for most of my life, I have reacted out of fear, saying what will happen if I did this, that or the next thing?”

Mother of three boys, Mrs. Elizabeth Ezenwe said it is difficult not to be strict with children, especially in her case. But she stresses that there are ways of impart good morals without destroying the self-confidence of children by being too strict. “A child may end up over-adhering to the values and morals that he becomes too straight-jacketed and lacks the flexibility to tackle challenges that confront him. If care is not taken, this is how he will grow to adulthood. He may be reluctant or unable to challenge others when they are being taken advantage of and in similar situations. He may also loose self-confidence and also confidence in you as a parent. Even amongst his peers, he may become the general joke. It was only after I heard my sons refer to me as star dragon always breathing fire on them that I took time to pay attention to how much my disciplinary measures were affecting them. I began to retract and find more loving and softer ways to get them to behave properly. I feared that if I didn’t, they would look elsewhere for the succor they weren’t getting from me. I also feared that it may get to a point where they would not be able to take it and rebel in a way that would destabilise me or overreact in extremes. It is a very tricky and sensitive situation, but I believe parents should know where to draw the line observing their children and being friends with them rather than dragons as I once was.”

Mr. Patrick Ezenwe chips in, saying, “I don’t believe that strict parents achieve much with strictness as compared to subtler insistent ones. When I scream at my sons to get things done, they either mess it up or break something in the process due to nervousness and fear. But when I changed my mode of approach even in anger, I noticed the difference and their enthusiasm to ask questions and be corrected if I tell them they have not done things properly. They are all in secondary schools today away from me and I have no fear that they are independent-minded boys who can speak up for themselves and take good decisions.”

Before we begin accusing our children of being badly behaved, rude or rebellious, or reminding them that as a child, you behaved differently, let us ask ourselves what roles we have played in their character formation and begin to make amends before it is too late.