Arguments don’t have to break you up!

In a relationship, arguments are bound to prop up every now and then over any issue that may sometimes be even pointless. Whether it is a relevant or not, it is necessary to note that arguments can be healthy and need not end with either party spitting fire.

It is almost impossible to have a relationship where no form of arguments exists. Generally, the word ‘argument’ is likely to be perceived as negative. This notwithstanding, the fact that two people, in a marriage, a dating relationship, siblings or friends argue does not mean they are having a quarrel. It is only an expression of various views which do not necessarily have to end in agreement. It is possible for each party to have a difference of opinion and stick to it without belittling, disrespecting or hurting the other’s feelings.

Yet when not managed properly, an argument which might have started as simple and insignificant can break a relationship in spite of how long it took to build it into an amiable and enviable one. In order to continually strengthen and grow a relationship, there are basic principles which should be taken into consideration when an argument occurs. Couples shared tips that have helped them have healthy arguments.

“Remember first and foremost that you are in an argument not in a fight,” said, Mr. Amos Igho. “From my 18 years of marriage, I have realised that there’s a very thin line between an argument and a fight, if I don’t check my emotions. Controlling emotions is probably the hardest thing to do during an argument, but you must start somewhere. When I walk away from an argument, I do so without hurting my wife, I think about the argument logically as I recover, viewing it from all sides. Without bias, I try to analyse the argument as an outsider, and ask what my conclusions would have been regarding all I said and how I said them. I appreciate now that angry emotions don’t resolve anything but can destroy everything. Next, I think about what I can say or questions I can ask to help the situation, whether I consider myself the “victim” or not.”

Igho said politeness and respect are also fundamental to having a healthy argument and relationship on the long run. “Be respectful enough of your partner and of the relationship you share to keep your conversation polite and respectful. Name-calling and verbal abuse quickly break down communication and are only counter-productive. While it may be ‘sweet’ to denigrate someone in the heat of discord, in the long run, it serves no positive purpose.”

He emphasised that this kind of lashing tears down a relationship, when the goal of an argument should be to discuss differences in order to build up the partnership.

Mr. Sylvester Essien-Inyang explained that, “the test of a healthy relationship is not whether arguments occur, but in how the arguments happen. There is no reason why you should get worked up over an argument to the extent that it results to name-calling, teasing, insults or quarrels. Curiously, it is usually the most insignificant-issues that result in this. To avoid such, appreciate that life is subjective and people have different opinions. Often, people with differing opinions may both have valid ideas. Take time to investigate how your partner arrived at her conclusion and look at the issue from both sides. This may not make you change your perception, but it will help establish respect for both parties involved and allow you to keep the discussion rational.”

“Listening, for me, is primary”, said Mrs. Esther Essien-Inyang. “Appreciate that just as you yearn to be heard your partner also has the same yearning. You need to listen as you have been listened to. Ask for clarifications where you are unclear and confirm whether you are correct in your understanding of what has been said. This way, your partner is sure that you value what he is saying and you care enough to listen.”

Barrister Irene Elaho stated that it is all right to argue/debate in a relationship. “But always give your partner’s/reasoning a fair shot and don’t accuse them of “always wanting to be right.”  I feel it is wrong to argue with a partner in order to ‘be right’ because the aim should always be to learn from one another, not to have a contest.”

Mr. John Elaho, a marriage counsellor, advised against going to bed angry after an argument. “While it is sometimes profitable to let mundane things go and to move on with life, don’t let something bothering you go unresolved. If a painful issue is left this way, it will build tension, and eventually eat away at the relationship. When an issue is resolved, you learn from one another and decrease the chances of having that same argument in the future. Even if you feel fine, make sure that the other person feels the same way. Do not insist that she moves on if she still feels hurt or troubled.”

Mr. Elaho emphasised that in an argument one should, “Remember why you care about your partner. Do not merely fend for yourself during an argument; do not be selfish. An argument can be a learning experience for both of you; use it as an opportunity to explore your relationship, not to have a vicious fight. After you resolve the argument, make sure you reassure the other person that you value your relationship with them. A genuine smile will send the message across effectively.”