Are quarrels relationship-enhancers?

Some say, ‘What is a relationship without the occasional fireworks and sparks?’ The ‘you said’ ‘I said’ and the ‘you’ versus ‘me’ back and forth arguments. For such people, no two persons can exist in a relationship without a quarrel. In fact, it is only after your partner and you have quarrelled that you then begin to know one another better and the relationship can grow.

This has provoked questions like: is it all couples who quarrel before they know the true character of their partners? There are also couples who have had arguments which they have been cautious about and made sure didn’t lead to quarrels as one person decided to give in and say sorry to save the situation. Is it then possible that such a union is based on false knowledge of the characters involved?

The response to these questions are no, says psychologist and marriage counsellor, Chief (Mrs) Marian Idida. “In my over twenty years of psychology and marriage counselling, I have come to see that the rule doesn’t apply that couples must have quarrels and use them as yardstick to measure how well they know one another or the growth or success of their union. This is a phenomenon that most people have decided to adopt and apply to their relationships so much so that even when there is no need to quarrel they find a reason to.

“It is true that in a relationship, you cannot do without arguments and quarrels but these do not always have to lead to the name-callings and ugliness that they usually degenerate to. You will be surprised that in a bid to quarrel to get to know one another better, you will instead be building a rift which may lead to the final collapse of the relationship.

“Agreed that in the heat of quarrels, you are able to bare your mind and say it as you really feel it, now with some relationships, the message passed with those words is taken kindly and efforts are made to amend the wrongs. With some others, there are misinterpretations or cases where the quarrels are followed by bitterness and silence. Can you say it is then possible to get across to your partner in this state? We all know that such silence and bitterness bring about hatred and in no time you may not be able to see eye-to-eye over even the simplest of issues.”

There are times when quarrels have failed to boost relationships and increased their frequencies, durations and the intensity of the confrontations, thereby encouraging resentment. This notwithstanding, the differences in opinions in some cases actually help the relationship. Partners connect better, grow and are able to empathise with one another because they appreciate the different views from which they approach issues.

What makes this different and a positive for relationships is the fact that a different attitude is applied to such conflicts. When an argument starts with the aggression of self-defence of personal views and opinions, there is an underlying element of commitment, care and love for the relationship. Those involved regard the relationship as an avenue for growth and learning.

Therefore, no matter what, if the quarrel started like a war zone, partners should be able to call a truce. When couples go through the assertiveness of words, tears and hurt to making apologies and more positive and helpful words, they’ll feel a certain gratitude, connectedness, intimacy and closeness to each other in the end.

When quarrels affect the personal worth of a relationship and the individuals involved, they are likely to kill the spirit of one or both of the partners which may eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

When fights attack the personal worth of the couple and if the conflict kills the spirit of one or both of the partners, such fights will kill the relationship too.

But if they both perceive conflicts as the opportunity for personal growth and possess the ability to end it as a win-win scenario, then quarrels can be regarded as relationship-boosters.