Anniversary blues

The Independence anniversary has come and gone. Nigeria is 62. Like many an anniversary under Muhammadu Buhari, this one came with minimal pomp and fanfare. Except that the signs of old age are with us. Three years ago, Buhari prepped for Nigeria’s 60th like a failed man unsure of the level of rejection at the polls. This time around, he is conscious of the certainty of his exit except as an invite.

At Nigeria’s 60th even starved pigeons refused to fly, preferring to be fed before the deal. This anniversary shindig came with another display of national shame. A military rehearsal meant to showcase Nigeria’s agility at the battlefield ended in as an international display of impudence. By video accounts, the parachute dress rehearsal landed the troops on trees, rooftops and in one instance on a parked car setting off its alarm system. But on D-Day, the real deal managed to make a safe landing.

This is enough embarrassment for resignations or at least national explanation. We know that under Buhari, nothing abnormal happens until it is rationalised. Our defence team kept mum and where there is silence, even evidence is immaterial to proof a happening.

In his valedictory independence harangue, our president announced to those who probably do not know, how he has laid the foundation for a new Nigeria. Welcome Nigeria’s Lee Kwan Yew – so long, too long. This speech is likely to rankle curious observers especially groaning under the direct impact of Buhari’s foundation.

If Buhari was a modern day Joseph, he lived to see his dream come true after three failed trials before Bola Tinubu, the self-proclaimed kingmaker who must now be king came to his rescue, delivering the elusive Golden Fleece. Evidently, Buhari had no blueprint and the spoils of office did not afford him the opportunity of developing one.

Who would argue against Buhari’s solid foundation for Nigeria’s development? Without lifting a finger, the president declared that he has conquered insecurity. Since then, insecurity only existed to those who become its victim. We all know that is not the lot of the Buhari clan. They don’t get snatched in a journey between Daura and Katsina.

The first and last time the presidential convoy was ambushed, the president was already safely home. In Buhari’s world, there is nothing like insecurity in the land because until you live it, you cannot experience it. In Buhari’s world, before he could take the short helicopter ride between Katsina and Daura, anything likely to unsettle his ride is taken care of at state expense. Under Goodluck Jonathan when his convoy was attacked, he testified that there was insecurity. The situation has changed today and who feels it knows it.

The economic recession that follows the free fall of the naira has no fiscal impact on Buhari in the Villa. Since when did the price of condiments reduced the variety of food at the presidential table or the turnover of cutlery for the presidential kitchen? Could the rising prices of foodstuffs force the first family to change ratio of their ration from 1-0-1 to 0-0-1 or triple zero?

Any recession that does not translate the presidential dinner table is bound to be a myth. An unchanged meal variety is evidence that other Nigerians are feeding fat in their homes. Add this to the amount of money the minister of special duties claims to have spent on feeding ghosts at different times and you see a country under a solid foundation to eradicate hunger. The foundation for feeding 50,000 recruits with agbado and beans is laid in concrete.

With fanfare and a heart full of gratitude to God who ‘sniggers’ at man’s definition of the impossible, the Buhari household unfurled the latest member of their family to complete her graduate studies. This at a time when for eight years, no federal university has graduated students for two consecutive academic years.

It must be a shock to the Buhari family to hear that academic staff of Nigerian universities have been on strike for eight consecutive months this year alone.

The first time that Buhari’s minders came close to helping us believe that schools were closed was the fake news item claiming that the president has given his ministers for illiteracy and joblessness an ultimatum to end the strike in two weeks. Alas, Buhari does not issue ultimatums – not to end anything not affecting the ruining class.

A presidential order would have fixed the leakage, but such balloon of optimism was punctured before the air was sealed and it fell flat. Both ministers have kept their jobs and ASUU has the wrong end of the stick. If education was a necessary foundation for building the Nigeria of Buhari’s dreams, all his children are graduates. Buhari could be forgiven for believing that he has laid a solid foundation for the future of Nigeria’s all-round development.

Nigeria is a vast mosaic of socio-economic and cultural diversity. It might have been a nightmare of a contraption garbled together by the British overlords, but we once roamed this land exploring its diversity. Not under Buhari except for those who could still shell out large sums of money to uncontrollable airline operators. Road trips on Nigeria’s death traps are suicidal at best.

This is not something that the Buhari household is likely to understand even next year when he flies in from Daura as the guest of whoever he anoints. The warped security arrangement by which the less than one per cent is secured at the expense of the remaining 99 per cent would still insulate him against the dangers of road travels. These insulation plays into the narrative of Buhari, that he has laid a solid foundation for Nigeria’s future if such future is sealed in insecurity, lawlessness, poverty, hunger, want and lack of vision. Even a warped groundwork is still called a foundation.

Celebration or not, the humour factory of the Nigerian leadership race has filled aspirants with skits and fans and opponents are as usual at each other’s throats. A peace accord arranged to make contestants play by the rules is usually grossly abused. But it has not stopped those who organise it. For the second time,  Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the candidate of the ruling APC missed an outing and set the humour and rumour mill into frenzy.

His enemies swore he was on a London gurney. His handlers swear he went for a deserved rest since there is no rest in Nigeria for the country’s wicked. A day after independence, Tinubu released a seven-second video riding on an exercise bike to show how fit and trim he is – in London. Atiku Abubakar one of his major opponents released a dancing video. Peter Obi’s adherents organised their so-called mega rallies.

The last time an aspirant went this high to prove their health was when Buhari challenged a reporter to a three-kilometer sprint only to finally end up in a London hibernation centre. These are the shenanigans we would all be expected to be reacting to until election day by which time it’ll be too late to ask what each of the aspirants has to offer us. After eight years of Buhari in Aso Rock, the presidency is a joke.