Anambra wishes from America’s Olympic diplomacy

Whatever you may think of America, it is a great country. America’s greatness lies in the assurance that First Amendment rights may waste an American life at home, but when something affects one American abroad; America stands up for its own. The Olympics has come and gone with its medals, fame and fortune as athletes smash records but it never ends without smearing different parts of the globe with unique scandals. Some Brazilians think it was profligate to host the world while citizens grappled with the effect of gross economic inequality. To its leaders, it was an incredible opportunity to make a lasting positive impression.
The only regret of the sport-loving Naija was that Sai Baba did not sack its sporting minister via social media message for presiding over our poor showing. My take is that, if you did not pay the clown, you cannot shut down the circus. Other nations were not spared the scandals. A Kenyan coach smartly swapped his urine with one of his athletes convinced that even if the IOC labs were using fake reagents, this guy cannot pass the test. He was sent home before he could bag a jail term for his duplicity. When it was all over, some Kenyan athletes had to wait for cheap tickets to make it home.
The worst scandal of the show affected great America. Three of its swimmers went clubbing in Rio after months of self-denial and rigorous competition. They drank themselves senseless and discovered that vandalization helped hangovers. They told a cock and bull story of being robbed at gunpoint by Brazilian police known for brazenly shooting street children. All over the world, it is embarrassing for guests to accuse their hosts of robbery at gunpoint.
Two of the trio, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were pulled off homebound plane for questioning. The third, Ryan Lochte later introduced the doctrine of  “traumatic mischaracterization” to explain what happened when the contents of alcoholized bottles obfuscates connive to blur both vision and sense. To settle the matter, one athlete agreed to ‘donate’ $11,000 dollars to a Brazilian charity. Good thinking if you asked me, which you won’t because I can’t compete with myself and win.
If you asked Americans, the three boys messed up big time, but their government would rather start a war with Brazil than let their golden boys rust in a Brazilian jail. All diplomacy went into getting those boys off the hook.
If you asked citizens of Ezigbo, in Ihiala, Anambra State, they won’t have such confidence in Naija. Their ‘illustrious’ son, Izuchukwu Ezimoha was arrested in Thailand for smuggling hard drugs. He was tried according to Thai law, found guilty and according to Thai law, the penalty for trafficking in hard drugs is death. Mr. Ezimoha was promptly executed. The Thai may be merciless to criminals; they are lenient to the dead. They believe that the dead should be interred with their ancestors no matter what and that being buried at home could speed up that process. Mind you, it may have nothing to do with fear of being slapped by angry ghosts, for an account or rebuttal of that, please watch out for Rochas Okorocha’s post-governorship memoirs! The courier’s headless body was repatriated to Ezigbo where relatives, friends, tenants and townsfolk printed an invitation card to the funeral of their son who “died in oversea”. This is how we roll in Naija.
In his quest to be the first Daura son to beat the legend of a Yoruba icon, Olabisi Ajala; Sai Baba has used up several leaves of his official passport on his many journeys to America. But forgive the American media if they don’t get the feeling that the leader of Africa’s most messed up nation comes around. When Obama’s Airforce One skipped the Naija airspace and landed in neighbouring Ghana, Naija swore at him. Little did they know that taunt-faced John Kerry would be landing here sometime.
Well, he landed last week and met with Sai Baba. He gave speeches and watched Naija officials scramble for photo-ops before he flew off to Sokoto where he made more speeches. That got Fumbling Fanny Kay trash-talking the visitor. To holy man and CAN president, Rev. Supo Ayokunle being sidelined by Kerry is like missing the rapture. While Sokoto people may accuse Kerry of attempting to convert the Sultan and Christianize the Caliphate, Ayokunle believes that Kerry has reduced the status of Christianity by ignoring him.
In Naija, even when America says nothing, it’s silence speaks volumes – this is why we all believe that America is great? Proponents of #BlackLivesMatter may disagree, but in the eye of the average Naija, America is the senior brother of deaf Naija rulers. Ike Ekweremadu reported his president to America. There are over 300,000 Naija-Americans to date with more queuing up in Maitama and Walter Carrington Crescent in Lagos hoping to make it there before Donald Dumb closes the gates of heaven on earth.