After couples fight, make-up differs for him and her

All couples argue and fight, and then they make up. How true is it that men and women want different things in the making up process?

I visited a couple recently and noticed a tensed atmosphere between them. While I exchanged pleasantries with the husband, the wife, who is usually vivacious, sat aloof. After the husband left us to catch up with our girly talks, she sprang back to her normal self. I couldn’t help but ask what the problem was initially. 

She told me they had a fight and she feels it was the man’s fault and that he had refused to apologise properly. She said he bought her a bottle of her favourite perfume the previous day but she needed him to say to her “I’m sorry”.

“My husband would always try to bribe me with cash and gifts instead of apologizing whenever we have a misunderstanding. Why does he find it difficult to say he is sorry? I don’t need his gifts or money. I only want him to hold me and tell me he is sorry. When he doesn’t say it, I feel as if he is not remorseful over what happened,” she said.

A new research, which findings were published online recently in Evolutionary Psychological Science, suggests that when couples hit a rough patch, men and women want different things from their partner before they make up. Women seem to prefer heart-felt apologies and quality time while men appear to prefer a kind gesture, particularly sexual favors.

Womanhood asked a few people if they agree with the research findings, especially as it seems to align with what my friend wanted from her husband.

Akwuchi Peter, an Abuja-based media practitioner, says, “The research findings are still people’s opinion. For me, verbal apology is the first and most important thing. It shows my partner’s willingness to accept blame where necessary. Then I expect her to prepare a very nice dish, although this is not compulsory. Other things can follow.”

Bilikisu Shamsudeen, a 38-year-old teacher, also agrees with the research findings. She says she prefers apologies and quality time from her husband after a fight though she hardly gets it. “Meanwhile, if the fault was mine, he would want me to apologise and then do whatever he wants, including sex,” she said.

Maimuna Isah, a 27-year-old accountant, wants men to drop their ego and always apologise to their spouses after a fight. “Men need to come down from their high horses and make their women feel loved and appreciated. A lot of them find it difficult to say sorry and would rather resort to buying gifts, giving you money and taking you out. My husband’s way of saying sorry is buying me lots of things; anyway I must confess that I always use that opportunity to acquire new things.” 

Mrs. Clara Edet, a 52-year-old nurse, agrees with the research findings. She says, “Women are usually moved by what they hear while men are moved by what they see. It is very easy to forgive a man who renders a heartfelt apology to his wife because most men find it difficult to do that, probably due to ego.”

“I always expect my husband to admit it when he is wrong and apologise. Once he does that, I go ahead to make him a nice meal to massage his ego and then seal it up in the other room. Hope you understand?”

Abdulfatai Idris, a taxi driver, who stereotyped women as ‘cry babies’, said, “I don’t know why women like to cry a lot. Even after you have begged and apologized, they will still hold grudges against you. After a misunderstanding, a man moves on but that is not so for the woman.”

“My wife expects me to beg her for two weeks after a misunderstanding. Most times, she refers to or even dig up those incidents that we have agreed to bury and it is tiresome.” 

When reminded that not all women behave that way, he argued, “I know what I’m talking about; she is my second wife and the first one behaved exactly the same way. So, yes, men and women react differently after a fight.”

Simon O. Simon, a clergyman, says, “Maybe because of my upbringing and calling, I don’t really expect too much from people, including my wife and children. I hardly quarrel with my spouse and even after a misunderstanding, I don’t really bother if she apologises or not. Sometimes I might be the one apologizing and life goes on. The research findings may or may not be correct.”