After all, not every mother-in-law is a monster

Although some in-laws are impossible to build a relationship with, I strongly disagree with the stereotype of mothers-in-law being monsters. Why does society group all of these women into a category?

For millions of women, the wedding band is barely on their fingers before they choose to fight and humiliate the woman who produced the man that gave them the right to be addressed as someone’s daughter-in-law.

When I was still in college, my friend’s roommate who was married then once showed us some wrappers she bought for her mum and MIL shortly before Christmas break. Of course, the inferior and cheap ones were for her MIL. She ‘lectured’ us not to indulge our MIL when we eventually get married because all MILs are witches and so we shouldn’t let our guards down. 

She said she only bothered to get her the gift in order to justify the money she collected from her husband (the woman’s son). Then her roommate asked her how she would feel if her brother’s wife got something similar for her mum. Her dumb answer was “my mum is a city woman who knows ‘what’s up’ so she won’t even accept such wrappers.”

I know a woman who dissuaded her grown up daughters from washing their grandmother’s clothes (whenever she visited) because ‘she’s dirty’. She served her food with a particular set of plates and cutleries, which no one else in the house uses. Today she is a grandmother but I’m waiting for her sons to get married so that I see the kind of relationship she’d have with her daughters-in-law.

I am not holding fort for Mothers-in-law because I have come across some very terrible and nasty ones. I’m only saying that the stereotype is wrong because a lot of warm, caring, loving, devoted and wonderful MIL exist.

I know that because I’m very blessed in the MIL department.  From years of personal research, I’ve come to the conclusion that factors like jealousy, rivalry, insecurity, lack of respect and home training, deep-seated animosity and the plain old stereotype are some of the reasons why daughters-in-law see their MIL as monsters.

My mother-in-law and I have very different personalities but we had mutual respect and love for each other. She made several impressions on my life that I will never forget.

My first attempt at getting to know her better was trying to understand her personality. She was a woman who loved her family so much and because that immediate family consisted of just her husband and son, she was glad that there was eventually an addition – a female at that. And did she love me? Yes, so much everyone could actually feel it.

Falling pregnant after wedding with my mum nowhere close was a nightmare. My MIL naturally stepped in and I’m sure my mum wouldn’t have done better. That was the beginning of our closeness. I became the daughter she never had and eventually best of friends.

For 18 years, I had a mum, sister, friend, confidant, role model, teacher and pastor all rolled into one. She was always the first person I call when I have good or bad news. My problems were hers and she rejoiced more at my successes. 

At the birth of every child, she’d come with expensive gifts just to appreciate me for solidifying her grandmother status. I always looked forward to her visits because they were opportunities to catch up with lost times and old gists. 

Every year, during Easter, she comes to Abuja and I enjoy taking her to the hospital for her routine annual medical checkup. On one of such visits, my car packed up along the way. We had to sit inside for more than an hour because it was raining heavily. And then she said to me, “don’t worry my dear, once my gratuity is paid, I will give it to you to buy another car.” So, who could ever brand such MIL a witch?

Someone said good people don’t stay long, and that unfortunately came true as I lost her on May 9, 2017.

It’s been five months without the wonderful woman who redefined the word “Mother-in-law”.  I can’t remember ever quarreling or exchanging words with her. It was even at her death that many people realized she was not my biological mother.