Afro-puffs, Kukah’s bow-and-go theory, et al

While some people are looking for the face of change, others examine its unique characteristics. In this era of gifted makeup artists, it is difficult to ascertain the true face of anything. Makeup artists are the reasons Modupe Ozolua’s business is not booming. They can make wrinkled faces look softer than Teju Babyface without touching anaesthesia or wielding a scalpel. One groom reportedly ran out of his honeymoon in his pyjamas after discovering the true look of his chassis bride unfurled. Before that, a Chinese man, Jiang Feng successfully sued his wife for giving him an ugly daughter. There is no ugliness in his DNA. It turned out his bride had spent a fortune packaging herself for him. When it comes to change, what you see is not always what you get. Packaging can be deceptive.
I look with envy at Kaduna under Nasir Ahmad el-Rufai, aka the bulldozer; aka Mai Rusau. I know how to eat yams and omelette without cracking eggs – in Yagbaland, we use garden egg – shikenan! I usually disagree with el-Rufai on issues such as pulling down illegal structures using Bishop Kukah’s logic of letting goats that have successfully ingested yams go free. Trying to open their stomach for the ones they have eaten except one is a vet doctor only leads to more loss. In Yagbaland, naughty goats are put on a triangular neck braces or tied down. Apparently, it is not a logic that the Yagba shares with their Kataf brothers, so for now, pardon Bishop Kukah who as a meat eater might argue that the naman rago that comes from disembowelled goats is sweeter than yams.
Back to bulldozing structures, my argument has always been that evil servants, who parcel out public land should be sued, have their landed properties and other chattels confiscated and auctioned to pay compensation for the unwary beneficiaries of their wickedness. As we do that, people in government would start taking Jerry Gana’s dictum seriously – if you serve, serve conscientiously although Gana may have preferred the rhymes instead of the reason.
I don’t know how come-raid Sani and Mai Rusau hit the wrong chords but the sinator believes that if someone doesn’t stop hell’s roof in Kaduna, change may be losing subsequent elections. Someone retorted that it takes brains (and perhaps balls) to govern states, not Afro puffs, no apology to Jimi Hendrix.
In Kano tumbin giwa, I wish I could drop Umar Ganduje’s name. A few years ago, I was his guest at his sparsely furnished home in Ndjamena, savouring the exquisite taste of his excellent cook. Ganduje soon returned to Kwankwasiya as second-time extra tyre. Canadian residents who have not changed a flat tyre in five years would miss the joke. Now, Ganduje’s former office is to be renovated for, N180 million. Pampered Canadians may not understand how an office just vacated needs this facelift where typhoons, hurricanes and earthquakes are unknown.
But Naija people know that when it comes to budgeting, the offices of deputies are at the mercy of their bosses’ greed. Weeks back, el-Rufai issued a statement saying, the deputy governor and I are committed… now that is a smart political handcuff. If the deputy is sidelined in the decision-making process, he could speak out now or forever hold his peace. From all indications, Ganduje will find the N180 million for renovation, but he wants Kano students in foreign institutions to ask Kwankwaso what happened to their scholarship budget. With loyal deputies like this, who needs disloyal ones?
There’s a way to stop future renovation budgets like this, build pit latrines or hire qualified toilet trainers. The only way to justify the renovation budget is to say this new building was smeared in faeces by occupants with no toilet training.
Naija go better may truly be a future impossible tense after all. When men in turbans and cassock plead for marauding goats instead of building gated pen to separate them from yams, as Bash Ali would say – wahala dey! Some say Babatunde Raji Fashola wants a position in saint Buhari’s paradise-sourced cabinet. Well from all indications, some goats ate yams in Fashola’s Lagos. A website for N78 million is trending on Fashola’s balcony and it won’t go away. I mean, how much does Zuckerberg charge us for space on Facebook, including instant updates? Rebuttals like the one issued by Fashola’s men are reasons why there are thousands of free templates to building websites without coding. Content management systems are there and hosting rights are in some cases less than $100 a year!
Now to Mohammed Adamu, why do these events remind me of your quote – if these are the priests, God bless the congregation! How would an analogue Buhari manage goats that digitally eat yams, cover their tracks in webs of grammar or take the Nicodemus route to their decked Bishops and Imams to prevent us from probing?

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