A mother’s sorrow!

Losing a child is often described as the worst kind of pain that can happen to any parent, especially the mother. The emotions that accompany such a loss are so enormous that one keeps thinking if one will ever be able to come out of the shock unscathed in one day or years to come. When a child dies, a part of the mother is naturally cut off.

A mother sent me an email narrating her grief over the loss of her only child and how the experience seems to be becoming a nightmare for her. Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children, but it happens sometimes. Losing a child is a horrific experience that no mother would ever want to face and neither should they ever. It is one of the most unnatural things that can happen to a woman. It is something many people fear at one time or another, but probably never expect to actually experience.

Losing a child is probably the most emotionally difficult experience that a human being can face. The laws of nature hold that in most cases, a child will naturally outlive his or her parent, so when the reverse happens, emotional devastation often results. Upon losing a child, a parent can begin to question his or her parenting abilities or, worse, his or her status with God. Because losing a child is not the norm, a parent who has suffered such a loss may find herself wondering why she was among the unlucky few to be dealt such a severe blow. This can lead to years of emotional turmoil that can affect all other aspects of her life. Relationships among spouses and even with other children are often negatively affected by the tension resulting from losing a child.

“Unfortunately, I have been there and it is not an experience you would want even for your enemy. I have experienced the gut-wrenching pain of having to lose a child. He was my oldest son and would have been 22 years old this year. It is very difficult to get over the pain; you do not ever get over the loss as parts of you and your soul never come to terms with the reality, not to talk of accepting the death. But in actual fact, you always find ways to cope with it the best way you can. I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. To be frank, it may end up being the toughest thing you will ever have to endure in your life,” says Mrs Bello Rahama.

No one can adequately explain why any particular child is lost while most others grow up to live full lives. But while the thinkers of our world continue to explore this painful and difficult issue, there is fortunately plenty of help available for those who are coping with the tragedy of losing a child. The question most people ask is: how long does it take to get over the loss of a child?

“It depends on each individual, but it can be up to 10 years and sometimes a lifetime experience. It is necessary and important that anyone in this situation makes positive moves to unburden their grief for you have been through the worst pain you may ever have, which is the unexpected death of a close one, especially your own child! What could be more grievously sad than that?” asks Benjamin Onoja.

It is never in the natural order of things for a child to die before his or her parents. There is no opportunity to prepare, resolve misunderstandings or even say a befitting goodbye. The life of the parents and if there are siblings is changed forever often in an instant and it takes time for the reality of what has happened to sink in.

As the reality of the death settles in, the unanswered questions of why it had to be the child becomes normal, though at times you might feel the experience from time to time as memories of the child keeps coming up. Discussing this with friends and even your spouse when these memories come up could help ease the pain you are going through then.

The memories and emotions will always remind you of the joy of their life and the pain of losing them. It is important that you do not keep these feelings to yourself but rather share and keep them in the open, so that you can get comfort from those around you. Bottling them up could be disastrous to your well being.

Remember that they entered this world because of you and they left this world with all the experiences that your love has created for them. There is no fear, because the love of a family is everlasting. You may not accept that they had to die, but learn to accept that they did. One thing we will never have the answer to is why. Just have it at the back of your mind that the bond with your child will never be broken because the love that had been shared is real and will always remain. Live in comfort that they are at peace with God wherever they are!