A case for G-20 membership

At some point, we would have to let people know that we are global leaders that would not be treated with disrespect. How could a G-20 Meeting hold without an invitation to Sai Baba? On what criterion were twenty nations chosen from this planet without Naija being part of? We may not have nuclear armaments, but we have juju. According to prayer warriors, juju could nuke people’s destiny just like that. I should know, we have the largest group of pastorpreneurs – those ones with access to God’s direct line. If you criticise them peren, they don’t wait for judgement day to open the gates of hell for you. Such access was not ever granted to Jesus Christ or he would not have been crucified. Our pastorpreneurs have sheep that are fiercer than lions.

Anyway, I digress but it’s hard not to suspect the possibility of a racial undertone to the G-20 political conurbation. The racist press hardly focuses on my president’s love of traditional outfits. Sai Baba is a global cultural ambassador who shares the UNESCO Prize for traditional wears with his former boss, the wizard of Ota. Not that either of them could’ve made it in zany suits, but that’s a matter for the fashion police.

The murderous Crown Prince of Sawed was at the G-20 summit in his pajamas. If he could make the list with the blood of Khassoggi freshly dripping from his hands, then why can’t we make the list when we only arrest and imprison critics? We haven’t graduated to the level of sawing critics in Naija embassies, perhaps because local butchers would’ve made a mess of the job. Naija judges do their best to get activists released, sometimes on impossible bail conditions but government adopts the ‘hear nothing’ approach to any ruling that disfavours them.

Even bold judges know their limits. It’s a horrendous thing to be charged with corruption in Naija. You don’t have to be convicted, once you’re declared corrupt, especially by those who are more corrupt than corruption, the only way to redemption is to join the ruining party. Unfortunately, judges are precluded from being openly partisan even when they vote. That’s why we have void ballots. At any rate, the point is, if the Saudis are in G-20 we should be there. Thank God for the Climate Summit that allowed Sai Baba take the needed break. With the amount of charcoals being ‘produced’ and sold; the astronomic rise in the price of kerosene and unavailability of gas, we are the right people to speak at climate summits.

It is high time that the secretariat of the G-20 acknowledges that Naija is a global superpower. If they fail, we should threaten them with the tragedy of an uncontrolled refugee onslaught. Unleashing malcontent, hungry and harried 200 million population into Euro-America could contribute to global swarming. Forget that we haven’t had a census in years. With Boko Haram technically defeated, herdsmen on sabbatical, another terrorist group unveiling in Sokoto, armed robbers, ritual killers and internecine skirmishes, our nation is still standing – that’s superpower status.

There are better reasons why we should be in the G-20. Our military is resilient. They fought and won the civil war. They kicked Britain in the teeth to fast track the eradication of apartheid. They liberated Liberia and sewed fractured Sierra Leone back together without building an empire from these ruins. They ruined the nation for nearly 40 years and happily returned to their barracks.

It may be true that we are the poverty capital of Africa, but that in itself is a positive force. We are the labour office of the rest of the globe. Just check it out; there is no place on planet earth where a Naija person is not doing exploits. Libyan traffickers would be jobless without us. Entire consultancy businesses are built on finding jobs for hapless Naija people everywhere from Canada to the UAE. Someone rightly said that if the same slave traders docked their ships anywhere on Naija shores today, they’ll have trouble controlling the crowd of people willing to go and slave elsewhere.

Yet, everywhere Sai Baba goes, an enthusiastic crowd of diaspora people count it a privilege to go and welcome him. They dine with him and ask silly questions – such as, whether he is cloned or real. They eagerly wait for that exclusive title that most people want to add to their names – TPWP -Took Picture With the President that they proudly hang at the main entrance of their homes! All these and we are not G-20 members? This is the kind of patriotism that Trump covets.

It was said that our legislooters summoned the American ambassador to explain why he denied visa to Naija’s former vice president. Such patriotic dynamism has not been witnessed since the days of Abacha’s Area Boy Diplomacy. I am waiting for them to summon the G-20 Secretariat to Abuja to explain why disciplinary action should not be taken against them for not inviting Sai Baba to their summit. If they fail to give cogent reasons, we should stop polluting the world with our oil and see how that reduces the appetite for big cars by global leaders.