The many headaches of Lai Mohammed

Foolish Americans, always bewitched by the false impression of being better than the Joneses! It is common knowledge that Nigeria is a gold mine. And I’m not talking about the shining metal that has become the curse of Zamfara and Zamfarians. I mean the solid greenback.

So, Cable News Network, CNN, as it was before a virus called Trumpism brought it down, has missed the golden opportunity of becoming a revamped NTA’s godmother. CNN has forgotten so soon, how much it made from Olusegun Obasanjo, who prefers Christiane Amanpour to Abike Dabiri any day. Under Obasanjo, CNN made real money running advertisements in which Obasanjo believed that his shithole nation was ‘the heart of Africa’.

Baba Iyabo believed such advertisements would bring investors queuing at the ports. Please do not tell Obasanjo that it did not happen. It would deflate his ego and bring out the beast in the Wizard of Ota. At any rate, CNN viewership grew back then, to dwarf NTA’s 30 million viewers who are more like Muhammadu Buhari’s barren cows. That is why Lai Mohammed wants a Chinese version of CNN for Nigeria; one that beats the CCTV.

That is as good as dreams go. Obviously, recent events must have jolted Lai from his somnambulism. He is now up in arms against CNN, and it’s all CNN’s fault. If CNN had been a Nigerian station, the Nigerian Broadcasting Commission, NBC, which ensures that only the things that would make Buhari happy are aired on the electronic media, would have shut it down. Actually, Lai believes that NBC rules apply to foreign media. He is still throwing tantrums as CNN aired a second part of the truth Lai wanted buried about the Lekki massacre.

When the scriptures said you should know the truth and the truth shall set you free, it was not thinking about the Buhari regime. Certainly, it forgot to add, that liberating truth hurts. The Buhari regime has sugar tooth, so, anything bitter is neither ingestible nor digestible.

In Aso Rock and around the system, Nigeria is paradise. The community in Borno where 43 farmers were recently slaughtered would not buy that classification. Those in Zamfara-Kaduna-Katsina axis, helplessly waiting and hoping that the slaughtering crew would spare them, would not buy into that image of a peaceful Nigeria,  except in their dreams. If they saw this denouement coming last year during the elections, they ignored it.

In those areas where kidnapping, insurgency and brigandage have become the norm, there is little or no use for social media. Those who do know better than tweet or post the reality they or their family live. When they brace up to do so, they suddenly discover that governors are not entirely powerless when it comes to ordering arrests and indefinite detentions.

If Lai Mohammed had his way, the media – mainstream and social- would always do as it is told. The people would only know what the regime wants them to know. Any and every secondary thought would be classified as seditious. People would show up at police stations, asking to be detained and dispatched to a ‘correctional facility’ just for harbouring flickering real thoughts. That is how this regime wants to define patriotism.

But CNN did not play by the rules. It aired not one, but two video clips of the massacre in Lekki that officially did not happen. First, Lekki didn’t happen, until someone stumbled on Sanwo-Olu’s memo to the military. Subsequently, the elasticity of truth was adjusted to admit the presence of soldiers who fired blank shots. Blank shots never killed anyone and no dead bodies washed up the shores, then a Lagos hospital released a statement asking relatives to come and identify the corpses that were brought to its non-functioning freezers.

I understand Oga Lai would be taking CNN to court – so, CNN, be very afraid! While Lai is busy with his liars tweaking and amending the CNN charge sheet, British lawmakers held a session and issued a scathing condemnation. It did not end there; it has instructed its Abuja entry clearance officers not to issue visas to the entire chain of command involved in the massacre. I can confirm that is a coup dur. You could do anything to the Nigerian politician except take away his UK visitation rights. It’s the stuff of which permanent enemies are made.

Of course, Lai is fuming. He argues that the parliament is misinformed. If he were granted a visa, he would fly to the House of Commons to prove it. One hopes that he is not on the banned list, because a UK ban is worse for most Nigerian politicians than a disqualification from paradise. I appeal to the British to please clear the air on this all-important issue,

And just when Nigeria would like to close public viewing of the movie of the Lekki Massacre, a group has rubbed salt on the injury of our national infamy by voting Nigeria third Most Traumatised Nation on planet Earth for the sixth time running.

The trophy of infamy emerged at a time when no less a personality than the Sultan of Sokoto, Dr. Sa’ad Abubakar, vows that the north; the beautiful home of General Buhari is the most traumatised in the country.

It’s either the Sultan has been out of touch with government-sanctioned reality or mai martaba is mingling with the wrong crowd. For it is sacrilegious to say that the Amirul Mumeenen has a hidden agenda.

Officially, the north, our north, has never had it so good until Buhari showed. We have our most trusted son at the head as president. We command and control the entire security apparatchik, from headship of the military and paramilitary formations to holding top cabinet positions in government. We are on top of our game!

We cannot and should not be seen complaining that things are not going well with the nation even if that is the stark reality. If there are things we disagree with, we know the ‘established channels’ to convey our dissatisfaction. Certainly, it shouldn’t be at events that are likely to generate ‘negative’ headlines. We should never be seen to be arming our enemies, both locally and internationally, to throw pot shots at us. Or, isn’t that the unwritten code of silence that makes those in government believe that Nigeria is not a hell on earth?

When uncontrollable southern youths were protesting police brutality, our loyal opinion moulders and elders worked subtly but stridently to prevent our own almajirai from joining the bandwagon. They convinced them that the march is not a protest at all, but a calculated attempt to wrestle power from our illustrious son, who is also our caliph in governance.

Now that 43 farmers have been slaughtered, students have been kidnapped and released for ransom; we should not betray our emotions to the whole world. We should never throw our illustrious son under the bus of hawkish criticisms and the gang-up of our mortal enemies. As they say in some places – the Sardauna did not die for this!