Forgiveness is a healing process, don’t force it

Many times, we have been hurt by persons who we have regard for, but their failure to acknowledge that they have hurt us and still demand an apology causes more pain. The most painful is the trauma of having to go through the numerous calls from friends and relative to be ready to forgive the person who hurt you without cautioning the guilty party.

Habiba Usman, 42-year-old civil servant, says “I always wonder why people feel that someone who has been hurt should be ready to forgive immediately without rebuking the person who hurt the other. Forgiveness is borne out of healing and healing is a personal journey. If the person hurt doesn’t heal, there is no way that forgiveness can happen. It can’t be forced, it’s a choice they must make freely. Forgiveness comes freely and only the person who has been hurt has the right to decide when to forgive, forget and let go.”

Bridget Adeyemi, 39-year-old teacher, thinks that forgiveness takes a process. “Forgiveness should be encouraged and not forced on the person who has been hurt. Forgiveness takes a whole process of healing, but its worth to start the thought process of letting go so that you can also heal and find a place to finally forgive. It all depends on the person that was hurt to decide when and how she/he wants the forgiveness to happen. There is a time for everything, the most insensitive thing to do is to ask a person who is still hurting and pained to forgive. Forgiveness will and should always be encouraged, but after the affected person has dealt with the hurt and given time to heal before talking about forgiveness.”

Aliyu Ibrahim, 45-year-old agriculturalist, says “Forgiveness is a gift the hurt person chooses to give either to her/himself or the person who caused the hurt. Forgiveness can’t be forced. It takes the grace of God to forgive instantly. But a situation where you keep forcing a hurt person to forgive, without speaking to the offender to even seek forgiveness makes it even worse by hardening the person’s heart and in the process put the person off forgiving.”

We have all at one point in our lives been mediators between persons who have had a misunderstanding. The mistake most people make is to almost immediately ask the hurt party to forgive without rebuking the wrong party. We forget that in situations like this, emotions are high and to immediately ask the offended to forgive will be unfair and not showing any empathy towards the pain they are going through at that moment.

Always let them know you understand what they are going through, talk to them about life and how all humans are different because at that moment they need a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on, allow them to let out their pain and frustrations. When this happens, the pain they feel may have reduced and only then can you speak of forgiveness. It is only at that point that the term forgiveness will make sense to them. Forcing forgiveness may only worsen the situation for both sides.