Untapped blessings of open defecation

– Alhamdullilah!

– Yes, thank God for his mercies.

– We all have great things to thank Allah for in this country. You know…

– Yes.

– I belong to the cup is half full group and not those who think that the cup is half empty.

– That’s right. It’s a question of perception.

– Not just that, it’s good to embrace the attitude of gratitude even though one needs the fortitude to enjoy it.

– You’re very right. I like the rhymes; you would make a good preacher.

– Preaching is a serious business; only those qualified should be doing it.

– Well, most of those in it say they are divinely certified. But from where I stand, most of today’s preaching is an agglomeration of rhymes and rhythms with a tinge of new day public speaking and a rash of often-misinterpreted scriptural adumbrations.

– I beg of you, that’s a lot to digest. But I am thanking Allah for the mercies he has bestowed on us as a nation. We have just taken another step in our march in democracy.

– You’re right. Even with the casualties of the process, I think we have done well.

– Some people say that these casualties are part of the sacrifices in the journey towards perfection. Can you imagine for instance childbirth without pain?

– Desirable but not possible, except if you think of surrogate motherhood.

– Even in that instance, someone bore the pain for someone else’s gain. By the way, it looks like we have come to accept that child stealing; baby swapping and baby factory productions are better than surrogacy. That’s a discussion for another day sha.

– Huum.

– Naija is making progress in other areas.

– Like the kidnapping industry. I heard that in Plateau, the industry has taken on a new dimension.

– Yes o, they now go to schools and pick up kids for ransom.

– That’s right, and other people are laughing at the denouement.

– True.

– Well, because everybody usually feels that any emergent trend in criminality is confined to one part of the country.

– Correct.

– No! Wrong. Do you remember that when kidnapping first started, it was in the Niger-Delta?

– Yes.

– Then, foreigners were kidnapped for ransom to finance the so-called ‘Liberation Struggle’.

– That’s true.

– Now it is a national epidemic.

– Good reflection. I do remember how Peter Obi tackled the issue in Anambra.

– That’s right. So, if we take this as a Plateau problem and not a national menace, then we are sitting on a keg of gunpowder and playing with matches.

– True.

– But as I said, Naija is making progress somehow. I read somewhere that our country would soon overtake India in open defecation.

– So, how is that good progress?

– Well, the glass half full theory?

– Yes.

– Good! Some people think that defecation is a little natural thing. Such people have never heard of constipation. A people constipated cannot be defecating anyhow.

– Err…

– Just listen. To defecate with the ease you need a good diet rich in fibre.

– Okay!

– So, I think the ruining party is doing a good job making rich food available even to people on the lower rung of the ladder.

– Well, that’s another way of seeing it.

– And I wonder why the minister of health and the minister of agriculture have not held a joint press session to highlight this.

– Haa! What is there to celebrate, other people are recycling or disposing waste properly.

– Well, our health minister once adjudged the few doctors not taking PLAB tests to go abroad to diversify and go into tailoring and farming.

– Yes, as supplementary income.

– I don’t think that was what he meant.

– But you didn’t check with him, did you?

– I thought the context determines the meaning and the honourable minister was quite unambiguous.

– Well, sometimes the media twists things.

– The press is everybody’s whipping boy. So, imagine if they put a twist to it. Something like since the APC came to power; the diet of cassava bread recommended to the poor by the opposition has been replaced with a diet rich in fibre culminating in the need to use bathrooms.

– Ha!

– Yes, then they could challenge people to look into an avenue for business. What about providing mobile toilets.

– And dumping the waste in the lagoon or the Atlantic.

– Not necessarily? Recycling it would be better.

– In wood fired kilns?

– Well, that would be bad for the environment.

– Tehehe, you’re watching too much western propaganda. Environmental issues are not a priority in Naija.

– Well, we are signatories to the Kyoto and other conventions. We attend global environmental meets…we should care.

– We should care about full adults dropping their pants and their skirts, squatting in broad daylight in open drainages, on top of bridges while some still do shot put with their fecal matter in 2019. Do you think we truly care?

– Excuse me; I need to use the lavatory, where do I find one?

– Err; I don’t think we have running water!

– Even in a public building, what kind of country is this?