Earth tremor in Abuja? Tufiakpa!

Scientists are fools. Nobody knows that more than the prayerful nation of Naija. Nothing scientific grabs the attention of the Naija person or its government. The people are hustling and the government is napping.

We don’t rely on science for the simple reason that science has refused to make up its mind. For many years, cigarettes were advertised as the status symbol. Many of us bought into the advertisement – big boys (and girls en cachette) smoked Marlboro, 555, Benson & Hedges while the unwashed masses puffed on Bicycle, Gallon, Flight, Target and SM – Sweet Menthol.

Many deaths and addiction to nicotine later, science swore that smoking is hazardous to health, causes cancer, tuberculosis and emphysema among others. By then the genie was out of the bottle and everywhere you go, folks are puffing their lungs away thinking they’re cool. Talk about the hazards and they’ll respond – it’s not my portion.

The reality is that, when God portioned disasters, He did not factor the Naija into the equation. Disasters are the lot of the arne or unbelievers (also called unbels). Life is tough for unbelievers and there are said to be many of them here. Don’t be carried away by all those who, out of deference to their parents or friends attend religious services but are inwardly unbels. Due to my non-disclosure agreement, I won’t be naming names.

A few years back, stargazers warned that a chunk of the Naija landscape was prone to seismic activities. Nothing could be more incongruous for the simple reason that the earth does not quake under the feet of the believer. These scientists once predicted that Naija would disintegrate 2015 but we’re still here because it’s neither our portion nor our lot.

So, rumours had it that an earth tremor shook parts of the Federal Capital Territory, Abuja. It took nearly 48 hours for the authorities to react. When they did, they dismissed it with a wave of the hand. For seers, the so-called tremor could have been a result of ghosts protesting the non-inclusion of the capital city in the pilot launch of Tradermoni that Vice President Osinbajo is launching uppandan in this season of elections. When I received the news, I knew that prayer warriors would be working overtime for heaven to release our guardian angels. Politricians campaign on promises to solve our problems, but once elected, they ask us to turn to God.

Indeed, earthquakes have occurred in different parts of the world. In July this year, the Times of Israel reported a minor earthquake measuring 4.6 on the Richter scale in Isreal’s northern region. Israel is the home country of Jesus Christ and the birthplace of Christianity. Ask Naija’s Gods of men, Israel is a sinful nation and it is the portion of sinful nations to experience disasters. But, Isreal’s disaster preparedness is perhaps second to none, knowing it has enemies, physical and spiritual. We must never hope to be like Israel!

According to ArabNews, 63,000 earthquakes have struck Saudi Arabia by June 2016. Saudi is the home of the prophet of Islam; it is a rich country with a disaster preparedness knowing it lives in a politically hostile and mountainous region. It’ll be blasphemous to badmouth the Saudi, but on Allah’s scale of preference, after the Prophet (PBUH), Naija Muslims are closest to his heart than anyone even inhabitants of the holy land.

You have heard about hurricanes, cyclones and tsunamis battering the American coastline. With a man like Donald Trump as president, you could imagine why Naija zealots won’t be surprised that these things happen in America. Conscious of their sinful nature, Americans forewarn their citizens at the approach of disasters including Boko Haram attacks and scrupulously execute evacuation plans anywhere. Discountenance Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.

There’s no need to talk about what happens to Turkey and the far-Asia. Those that treat Muslims like the dregs of society and openly worship graven images qualify for Allah’s wrath before the day of reckoning.

I have gone this far to inform the reader why Naija needs no disaster preparedness outside prayers. And the early warning and disaster management agencies have dismissed Abuja tremor with a wave of their left hand. No need to panic. All those sniggering at the dismissive statement from the National Space Research and Development Agency, NASRDA are advised to stop spreading malicious rumours, aka fake news. There can be no earthquake in Abuja or anywhere else, it’s not our portion. You should also stop asking for a disaster-rescue or preparedness plan – we don’t have one, we don’t need one when we have more churches than Rome and more mosques than the Saudi. Besides, our God is the God of Elijah, he answers by fire – steer clear of the mountain of fire and the Lord’s chosen, you scientists.

It’ll be more expedient for chief executhieves of disaster management agencies to gather and pay Imams and prophets with direct access to God; ask them to declare a solemn fast and initiate prayer sessions just to remind God, that we operate under divine excuse from natural disasters. Besides, we are cursed with bad leadership and an idiotic followership; any further disaster would simply be overkill.