Indians, no less

The room was about half-full when I walked into it. I felt tempted to sit quietly at the back but knowing that I will be called to the high table as soon as the meeting starts, I decided to walk all the way to the front row. That will make it easier to rise and get to the high table, I thought to myself before sitting on the first vacant seat I saw. Lifting my head up after putting my handbag on the floor, I found myself staring straight into Zuwaira’s eyes. She was seated right next to me.

‘Assalamu alaikum, Zuwaira I had no idea you were the one here.’ I said reaching out to shake her hand. 

‘Wa alaikissalam, I noticed that you looked absent-minded when you arrived, that’s why I waited for you to settle down. How are and the family?’ She responded.

‘Alhamdulillah, we are all fine. And how did things go?’ I asked her, lowering my voice.

‘What things do you mean?’ She enquired, looking lost.

‘I’m referring to the discussion we had two weeks ago, and the decision you made to tell your daughter’s fiancé that you will only furnish two rooms in the house and leave the rest to him. How did he take it?’ I asked.

‘Oh he took it well at first; bravely telling Halima’s uncle, that we should just do what we can and he will do the rest. You see Musa and I decided to send his younger brother Sani, to see Halima’s fiance and inform him that we were happy he had found a suitable house for them to live in, but we could only furnish her bedroom, her sitting room and the kitchen. He responded the way I said he did, but two days later he told her he had found a new place which had three bedrooms and only one sitting room. She asked why he dumped the first one and he said it was too far from his office. But we can all guess he was trying to save himself the trouble of having to furnish all those rooms.’ Zuwaira explained.

‘Can you see how selfish today’s grooms are? When he thought you would do all the furnishing, he had no qualms about renting a four-bedroom duplex. Now that he knows otherwise he quickly sought relief for himself. Thank God you’ve sorted this out early. As they say, all’s well that ends well.’ I said.

‘Actually, it’s only the beginning Bint. After the furnishing and the wedding you know the gara will follow. Only then will you say the expenses have ended.’ Zuwaira declared.

‘Oh yes, I’ve forgotten about that. But ‘gara’ is not such a huge issue once you have handled the interior decoration. It’s just food stuffs that will aid the new couple for a little while before they start doing their own shopping.’ I observed.

‘No Bint, that is gara as you knew it. But gara today consists of a lot more. Like making up two suitcases, each one filled with cloth for the groom and his father. In fairness to them, they also sent a suitcase for me when they were sending the wedding gifts for Halima. So it’s pay back time for us now.’ Zuwaira lamented.

‘Really, so what happens if you just refuse to send the suitcases? You know, if you act like you didn’t know about that tradition and you just did the normal ‘gara’ that we knew in our days.’ I asked.

‘We will just cause trouble for Halima. We will be giving her in-laws a reason to ridicule her. They will see her as someone who couldn’t observe all the necessary customs of marriage.’ She replied.

‘Then we are just like the Indians. Truly we are no better than them who torture their brides on account of inability to pay dowry to their husbands. If failure to bring a suitcase for a groom’s father can cause you ridicule and misery, then how are we better than those who burn their brides because they failed the dowry test? Please we need to put a stop to this, otherwise our young men will never value the daughters we marry to them. I mean, first of all you are given a wife. Then your house is furnished, then you are given food that lasts some weeks or months or even a year. And then a suitcase with clothes is given to you and your father. As if the unspoken thing is we have burdened you with the  responsibility of caring for our daughter so let’s share the bill. No wonder so many marriages don’t last these days. The young men are too pampered to value their wives.’ I complained.

‘Yes, and the irony is that our daughters cannot be a burden to anyone these days. They are generally educated and therefore empowered to contribute to their families. I really see no reason why we should stick to customs that, on the one hand, overburden us and on the other make our daughters seem like a burden we want to dispense with. I agree we need to do something about this but where do we start Bint? We don’t want our daughters to be the butt of jokes to their in-laws and others.’ Zuwaira wondered aloud.

‘Well, thank God we are at the Ladies Parliament now. As soon as the Chair arrives, the meeting will commence. But before then I will quickly add this issue on today’s agenda so we can deliberate on it and find a way out for all parents. I know that rich parents are comfortable doing this but the poor and middle income ones are being made to marry off their daughters in tears. It’s just not right.’ I suggested.