When a stone is worth 50 lives or more

Many years ago, I missed the only opportunity to become a real man. Yes, I was circumcised on the eighth day as prescribed by the village dispenser and my birth certificate was signed with an M in the appropriate gender box but my parents botched my shot at becoming a real man. I had obtained the form for a career in the military but for my father, the offspring of a fearsome warrior who would have none of it. You see, back in the day, soldiering was considered the last reserve of village thugs. Real men sweated on the farms, excelled in commerce or learnt a trade while good boys went to school. Communal laws were well respected and those who ran foul of them risked banishment. The exiled only returned ‘in uniform’ because the uniformed were considered government property. How could a noble son desecrate family honour by enlisting in the army? I was enjoined to study instead.
I wish I had rebelled at the risk of being disowned. Today I would have been hailed as a real man. In Naija, there are three types of men – uniformed men, armed robbers and pretenders. Next time a uniformed person jumped ahead of you on a fuel queue; to prove your manhood, challenge and attempt to block them? I promise you a reporter, a cameraman and the momentary fame that comes with a publication but yours would be the pain and the scars.
Things are different in Canada. So, when I heard that some street urchins defied the convoy of the chief of army staff, COAS, in Zaria, I braced up for a justified massacre. These things just don’t happen in Canada and I hope no Canadian has followed the Zaria Shiite story. A Canadian soldier or army chief who slapped a civilian would have soiled his uniform, risked negative headline, lost his commission and auditioned for a future of ostracism. Silly Canadian soldiers pay their bus ride; their army chief is unlikely to be chauffeured anywhere in a convoy outside his office or barracks with an armed escort except while visiting troops in Afghanistan. This is why; Canadian soldiers must envy their Naija counterparts.
These are the incomparable things that make us just miss home. A land where Pastors, Imams and other religious leaders have no special treatment, hardly wear their religious titles is not an enviable place to be. What are religious shrines if they cannot compete with noise pollution? Why would anyone think of taxing a man of God, church, mosque or shrine and hope to be ‘blessed’? Why would defaulters lose their operating license and face prosecution? These are good reasons for the Canadian cleric to be envious of his Naija counterpart. The other day, I bumped into one of my pastors on a mall coffee queue.
Where religious shrines are still within residential buildings, city byelaws regulate the use of everything from megaphones to parking by adherents. Breaking any of these rules attract fines and other consequences. The faithful have embraced apps instead of relying on the muezzin and church bells for time to worship.
Somehow Naija the most religious country on planet earth still has an unenviable place on the corruption and underdevelopment index while Canada is considered developed – this is western magumagu. This is why I marvel that anyone, including Syrian refugees would want to live in Canada with all its religious restrictions. I know how people enrich their religious leaders for the divine favour to secure a visa to these places when their citizens envy their freedom of worship and the perks it brings.
General Tukur Buratai’s young officers sought to denigrate the unbroken image of the military as the only army of men by coming down to talk to talk to Mujaheedeens. The gallant mujaheedeen stood their grounds knowing that the road may have been tarred by government, but the earth is the Lord’s and that corner is allotted to the Shia who, like those who block major roads every Sunday and Friday; and the Lagos-Ibadan expressway every month-end only obey divine laws.
If General Buratai’s men had called me for free consultations, I would have told them to look at the potentials of these boys as better recruits than the soldiers making tactical manouevres from Boko Haram. I would have gone further to advise that, instead of selling recruitment forms, he should have take the back street to their Sheikh’s haven and open an army recruitment centre there. Now it’s too late, those who run from Shekau’s men show their marksmanship as sharp shooters of sleeping boys. Nearly 100 were reportedly killed depending on whose body count you believe that of Iran or Buratai. Our reaction – well, serves them right because when two illegalities clash, they only breed chaos. How do we explain these things to Malala Yousufzai? How do I tell my Canadian friends that when a siren sounds in Naija, it is not for the ambulance but the current dagutu and that obstruction could lead to death?