Between God and government

President Jones has no room for nice diplomatic shuttles, if you need arms to fight insurgents, call your friend and wrap him with freshly mint $9.3 million, ask him to rent your prophet’s plane to avoid radar detection and send them to Johannesburg. No plane is safer than a prophet’s plane.
There is a problem however if in the euphoria of favouring friends you forgot to let in your own diplomats in Pretoria to provide diplomatic cover. South African Customs are not like yours, they search vessels and when they found money that America is not aware of, they detain the cash and cry blue murder. But you are a powerful president. You call your boy, Jacob Zuma and order him to release the plane. That is the strength of a powerful president with more money and influence than brain and common sense.
The plane in question was ‘donated’ and registered for evangelism – so what? Who does not know that soul winning is such a boring job that brings in no money on earth? We now know that those stories of nocturnal planes hovering over Boko Haram territories and dropping arms are not hallucinations of unpatriotic emirs. But who cares, private planes are not banned from being run as kabukabu by friends and babalawos of the president. Ask Nuhu Ribadu how many are garaged in Abuja the last time he counted but be sure he will deny.
Check the storybooks, not long ago; one usually reliable online portal announced without clearing with Liebaron Maku, Apati or Yokosuna that nine army generals were arrested for gunrunning. Military high command promptly denied the report because, the press does not know that generals cannot run guns; they trade them. Wole Soyinka, Stephen Davis please note!
When disposable rank and file fired in protest against the despicable conduct of their commanding officer but failed to take tactical manouevre to Cameroon, see what they got. First, the army denied the report, looks like the soldiers only fired Christmas crackers in honour of their commander. That too it turned out negates army rules, which provides that foot soldiers shall take the bullet for their pot-bellied generals the way President Jones takes bullets for his friends? So twelve soldiers have now been promoted to the shooting range instead of Ebola. Others got generous prison terms.
Someday the insubordinate wives of soldiers protesting alleged inadequate arms to fight Boko Haram may be hanged in Baga fish market for exposing military secrets. How could they manage their husband’s kitchens, warm beds and yet claim to know how 25% of the nation’s budget is spent? Did they not know that Boko Haram needs objects for target practice? These love-stricken women ought to have read the memo before signing on the dotted lines.
Meanwhile father Abraham’s two sons are in control of hearts in Naija’s three-ring circus as PDP controls the minds. We take judicial notice of the turf war between Israel and Palestine though they have no clue where we are on the map and so do not ask to #BringBackOurGirls. This did not prevent El-Zak-Zaky from protesting the last skirmish in Zaria. Apparently the cleric is not an Arsehole Rock friend and has not listened to Fela’s album, Unknown Soldier when he ordered his troops out.
A human rights group now swears Naija security agencies randomly use mortal force, torture; tooth and nail extractions to coax confessions and a secular army has appointed a non-secular general of the other Abrahamic faith to look into the matter. Under this comedian in chief, even the army is making progress backwards.
It is not only stressed emirs that see hovering planes or unidentified flying objects. Another presidential prophet recently saw a flying saucer – not in his vision silly, in real life. Before he could say ‘no-fly-zone’, his spiritual tourism headquarters has been reduced to rubble taking several lives. He was not on the last presidential pilgrimage to Jerusalem to learn first hand how to run things without incident, but he can count on presidential and Lagos state support to rebuild his empire. All he has to do is predict who will win the PDP presidential primaries and the subsequent selection!
Should the supporters of any of Abraham’s sons feel cheated? Not really. Presidential prophets are not doing well if you check the scandal radar. One is banned from entering the new reunited UK; one is embroiled in divorce brouhaha; another is an exposed gunrunner and the latest watched his house of deceit collapse. Certainly, Abraham’s God is as unhappy with these ones as he is with Imam Shekau and ISIS.