Knowing when to end a relationship

Finally, you think of quitting, but still have doubts if that is the right step to take. Many people who are in unhealthy relationships find it hard to break up, especially if they have been in it for a long time; this is because some of them have built their world around their partners and find it hard to start all over again with someone new.  Life Extra spoke to a cross section of people to find out when it is the right time to quit; the responses are as diverse as they are interesting.
Sandra Odili, a 24-year-old undergraduate at the Federal Polytechnic Auchi, Edo State, says if you give your best to make a relationship work and it somehow still doesn’t that is a sign for you to end it:  “Sometimes, two people will come to like themselves but that doesn’t make them compatible or good enough for them to make a relationship. I have come to realise that two people who are in a relationship and who after a while can’t understand each other, are not meant to be. The idea of sticking to a relationship that isn’t working is a waste of time that will eventually lead to doom.”
Thirty-five-old Nonso Edward, a businessman, notes that: “To be realistic, if a relationship is not working it simply means both parties are being strong-headed and unwilling to bend for each other. The problem in most relationships is when both parties are acting like bosses of the relationship. I personally, what will make me break up with a girl, even if I love her is when she doesn’t respect me or is taking my feelings for her or my effort to make the relationship work for granted.”
Forty-eight-year-old caterer, Beatrice Ojo, says: “Truly, people don’t know when to quit a relationship that is not working. You see individuals in relationships with people who know don’t have the same moral values as them. There is more to having a relationship; it is meant to serve as a road to courtship and eventually marriage. When you see that a relationship is not working, it is best you end it, you don’t have to argue or fight before you break up, both partners can sit down and discuss as mature adults, stating the negativity of the relationship and why it won’t work. As it is popularly said, it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken home.”
For 29-year-old banker, Phillip Esho: “People fondly say, especially to girls that, you shouldn’t use who is your boyfriend as husband and a husband for boyfriend. What this connotes is that when you see a relationship is not working, don’t make up reasons why you should keep going on with it, you can try to make it work but if it is not working, then it isn’t.”
Drawing from a personal experience, Esho added that: “I was in a relationship for a year, during that year I knew the relationship wasn’t going to work because we had different doctrines, though we were of the same religion. I knew that would be a problem because she wasn’t willing to change to mine and neither was I ready to change to hers. I knew this would lead to problems later, which I didn’t want, besides she had other characters I didn’t like, but tried to condone to a fault. As time went on, I didn’t see any reason why we should continue with something I knew wasn’t going to work, what I did was, I called her, we discussed and she saw reasons. Today we are still friends but not in a relationship because we both knew and agreed it wasn’t going to work.”
Marriage counsellor Uche Okoro note that: “Relationships have their ups and downs; the ability to solve them amicably when they arise is what makes up compatibility and understanding. But when you see that, how you think is not how your partner sees things, you don’t agree on things, your views are always in collision. You have tried and things just look rough, then it is time to quit because it could mean you both are not compatible and may never be.”
Okoro adds that: “The basis for which a relationship was formed is to create that avenue for both parties to know each other, to see if you can flow and eventually stay together in the union of marriage. So, if it is not working you can break up, there is no wrong if you do because that is the only time you actually can and not when you are married.”
Dr. Dennis Neder states in his book ‘When is time to leave the relationship’ that: “We all know people who are in unhealthy relationships, but either will not or cannot leave them. These people use all of their energies propping up the sagging relationship. Life is too short for this.”
He adds that: “Relationships should enhance your journey. The problem is many people give up their journeys to take on someone else’s. It’s better to decide where you’re going, find others who are on their own paths and then see where you might fit together.” He advises that that we “give more thought to what you’re looking for before creating your relationships,” he advises. “That way you would more likely have healthy relationships and end unhealthy ones quickly. Everyone experiences low points in their relationships. That’s normal and most couples work through these times. While the experts say there are no formulas for deciding when to break up, there are signs to watch for. If you experience more than a few consistently over a long period, it’s probably time to move on,” Neder concludes.