“I was married only four months ago after having lived with my husband before marriage for five years. Since we wedded he has been acting completely different. He is a completely changed person. He has turned one of the empty rooms into his domain, complete with carpet, couches, appliances, and everything you would need in the perfect bachelor’s room.
He constantly has friends over and I am excluded. When he is not spending time in the garage he is on-line or playing interactive computer games with his friends. He rarely comes to bed at the same time as me, and just generally does not seem to be interested in sharing anything with me lately.
I understand that marriage is a huge change, but my husband never acted this way before, why now? He is the one that really pushed us into getting married. I was very hesitant because of my parents’ bad relationship and marriage experiences. I even left him at one point three years ago, because he was pressuring me so much. We discussed marriage at great length and both finally felt that it was the right time, so I do not understand his recent behavior. Is this normal or did our living together for over five years have something to do with this sudden change?”
Marriage counselor pastor Mrs. Chika Okafor is of the opinion that living as a couple before marriage is surely not the right way to start a family and this will in no way lead the relationship to marriage.
“These days many people decide not to get married and feel becoming a live-in couple is a solution to what they think are the problems of marriage. They have the notion that they do not need a ring to prove commitment to the relationship. There is no moral justification for a couple to live together for months not to talk of years, before they think of getting married.
“Any couple that indulges in such is not being sincere with each other and is really not ready to commit to each other. No serious man would want to live with his wife to be for years before deciding to make it official. There are no two ways or deceptive ways to go about it. It’s either the marriage is done and they live together or they stay apart and work towards getting their marriage consolidated,” the pastor notes.
Just like there are always two sides to a story or a coin, so are there varying responses tothis topic. Many argue that there is the need for intending couples to live together for at least a year so that they can test their compatibility.
Anne Ikenna, an undergraduate says: “Marriage is not something we should rush into. Sometimes, these things need time, to be studied. We all have different personalities, so there is no harm in trying to know if the person one is getting married to issomeone you can actually spend the rest of your life with.
“If after staying together for a year during courtship, they cannot get along, then it is a clear indication that they are not meant to be married. But if after one year, there are no problems,they can then decide to get married and spend the rest of their lives together.”
But Mrs. Victoria Adelekan is of a different opinion: “Living together first is a mistake. It is looked down on by many culturally, religiously and it is against most family ethics and values. Dating allows you to get to know someone and decide if they are worth marriage; it must not reach the level of having to live together before you can decide if you are both fit to be married or not.
“Why would a man marry a woman he lives with if he gets all the benefits of marriage without the commitment? It is abnormal for anyone to live with a partner for years before the issue of marriage is discussed. It is wrong for a lady to live with a man that has not paid her dowry. We cannot keep inculcating the ideas of the West into our lives, what if the guy had not married her after five years? What would she have done? We need to apply wisdom when dealing with such things but then I would advise the lady in question to ask for forgiveness from God.”
Mr. David Omojuwa, a lawyer says: “My dear, they have both robbed themselves of their singlehood. They thought they were wise by trying to save up because most times what leads such people to think like that is finance. They thought hat by staying together they could save financially and still keep their relationships going. What they forget is that living in before marriage gives the relationship a greater chance of divorce after marriage. Tell me, what is new after staying together for over five years as live-ins. There is nothing new and the man has seen it all. Let me tell you, if it were me, I don’t think I would marry such a lady that can easily give up herself to me for five years. Sincerely speaking, to me she is not a marriage material, she is lucky he even married her. With a family like mine, she would not have made it as a wife even if she lived with me for a week.”
In some societies in Nigeria, it is a taboo for a lady to live with her husband to be before marriage, says Mrs. Pamela Pam: “Where I come from it is s taboo; even when you both decide to get married no one would want to officiate it. Why would a woman want to take such a risk knowing the kind of beings men are? Many of such women live with their men for several years while they never propose marriage to the women; but the man ends up proposing to another woman outside whom he has respect and regard for.
“Why is she complaining now? She had her fun while it lasted; so she should relax and enjoy her new life because the man surely wants something new in his life and she is not.”
Research has proved that couples that have lived together before marriage never end up getting married and those that eventually do have a higher chance of getting divorced after a few years or months of marriage. Live-in couples when faced with problems just throw in the towel whereas it is not the case in a marriage situation as they strive to make things work out no matter what.
This means that there is really no sincere commitment to the relationship when the couples are just live-ins. As live in, the spark in the relationship easily fades away as it only lasts for a couple of months and boredom sets in.
Living-in before marriage automatically cancels any free time or privacy for each of the partners. Just as the marriage counselor has said and also some other respondents, being live-in couples never does any good to the relationship. Rather, it takes the sparkle and love away from the relationship.
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