Why that anti-corruption list remains incomplete

Why is so much valuable ink and saliva wasted on the serial release of government’s looters list? It is evident that Alhaji Lai Lai’s list has been grossly misunderstood by the people and as government’s unpaid alternate communicator, I have taken it upon myself to explain it in what I hope would be layman’s terms. First things first, this list is Lai Lai’s road to Damascus conversion. Eleven years ago, Mohammed and Garba Shehu were against the release of looters’ list. 

The lists so far released could not be said to be exhaustive even though it has taken longer than normal to compile. With one bottle of Orijin or Benylin with codeine in one hand, anyone in Addiction Avenue would have made up this list just after a sip or a sniff of his or her favourite stuff. We all know that Alhaji Lai Lai does not live in Addiction Avenue, and as propaganda minister, the onus is on him to test the Made In Naija pencil that must have been used in compiling the lists so far released. 

This is why Uche Secondus is waiting for a Made In Naija eraser to take off his name from the list. Santa Dasuki would have loved to ask for the same favour if not for his chains. As for the oil-rich bella, Madam Globe, nothing else matters as long as Theresa May does not remove her name from the chemotherapy list. Stella Oduah says anyone reading her name and not laughing should not be operated on with the sole effect of laughing gas. Apparently, there are other people either consulting with their liars or taking these lists as a track from Comedy Belusconi Gordon’s next album.

A cursory look at the lists would reveal that all it takes to feature on it is past participation in Naija governance in the past 19 years. This is why some people are worried that the Wizard of Ota did not feature on it. Remember the sale of Transcorp Hilton, Abuja houses and other deals that soil the garment of the man who, like the incumbent wants to be taken seriously as a bad governance critic? 

Certainly, this list is not exhaustive, but even graduation lists are hardly exhaustive as anyone familiar with Bola Tinubu and Dino Melaiye’s certificate saga knows. Expecting the list to be exhaustive is like wishing that bad governance had stopped. As you are all aware, only Obiageli Ezekwesili and her crew live in that forlorn hope. 

Bad governance is a continuum. Much like changing sides after the first half of a football match doesn’t make for anything but a mere change of direction of play, nothing has changed under APC. Where there is governance, there would always be corruption as sure as large carcases attracts vulture and ants attract sugar, Naija governance is a magnet that picks up sleaze. Corruption is the palm oil with which the morsel of governance is swallowed without complication. Therefore to expect that anyone in government would exhaustively give a final corruption list is to, like those demanding fulfilment of electoral promises, expect the impossible. 

We have a glimpse of the transformative phase of APC style of corruption. However, its full manifestation would not be known until this clueless and utterly directionless government is red carded out of governance. Until then, we keep pointing accusing fingers because, like it’s Siamese brother PDP did, APC is sitting like mother hen on the eggs of sleaze. We’ll only be sure of what they hatch after they are swept out of power if we get a conscionable replacement with a verifiable and trackable agenda. Until then, no earth-shattering list should be expected. 

The list currently in the public domain shows only the difference between six and half a dozen. It epitomizes the second side of the same coin and portrays the irony of the pot calling the kettle black. This list marks the trappings of a gang of Ali Baba and the 40 thieves excoriating the antics of Robin Hood of the Sherwood Forest.

Without access to forensic evidence who would dare accuse the born-again ex-PDP stalwarts now chaplains in the APC regime? Fourteen current governors were one-time PDP members. Twenty other ex-governors are patron saints leading anti-corruption prayers at the APC altar. Let us hope that they live long enough to have their certificate of sainthood verified in court. Until then, in the courts of public opinion, their garment of sainthood is soiled from neck to feet. Never mind that they have siren immunity and parade themselves in starched robes instead of featuring on real episodes of Crime Fighters!

Pa Bubu claims to be fighting corruption. His efforts are more acknowledged among shady foreign characters and paid actors than on the ground in Naija. Luther King is squirming in his grave at the association of his hallowed name with a government producing grasscutters and very reticent in punishing known criminals. But when you lose face at home, even an anti-corruption award from Lucifer primed on the 30-year anti-corruption mantra of the head of state is acceptable. Take this government’s anti-corruption stance seriously if your day programme is managed on a broken clock – after all, it tells the correct time twice every single day.