Taming the jealous heart

Last week, the news of the demise of a former reporter with the Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria (FRCN), Kaduna National Station and legislative aide to Senator Mohammed Sale, representing Kaduna Central senatorial zone, Mallam Mohammed Ibrahim Matazu, shock many public. The manner in which he was killed by a wife who had in the past professed love for him draws tears from many who read or heard the strange news, even as it provoked serious public outcry. The younger wife of the deceased was said to have set him ablaze for spending more time with the first wife.
 We have heard numerous stories about jealous wives and husbands but this was definitely taken to the extreme. Jealousy can be dangerous and there is a need to put it in check before it ruins all we have worked for.
For many women, jealousy has become a confusing emotion that afflicts them like a disease. Although unlike some diseases it is not contagious, there is deep worry on why jealousy is more prevalent in today’s society more than before. “It is becoming like a contagious disease that spread fast on contact.
“Young women nowadays would rather have their husbands to themselves alone, so the idea of a co-wife is no longer welcome in many homes,”  a marriage counselor, who pleaded not to be named, said.
“Some even go to the extent of monitoring their husbands’ telephone conversations, phone contacts and even check text messages to be sure that a rival existed somewhere”, she noted.
Experts said jealousy eats away at a relationship and affects every aspect of your life, your home, your work, interaction with friends and associates.
There was a story of a woman who was jealous that her husband was seeing someone else, and the only thing she felt she could do to keep her husband to herself, was to go to a herbalist who advised her to kill someone so that they could get what they would use for the charm that will ensure that he will be hers forever. This is how far some women can go when they are overwhelmed with jealousy. Jealousy is a natural thing but must it be taken to such extreme?
Asiya Muhammed, a legal practitioner says, “As for the woman who sets her husband ablaze and eventually killed him, she should be punished by the law. You cannot claim that because you are jealous you could set your husband ablaze and kill him. Funny enough she does not have a child for the man. So, who feels the pain more now that the man is dead? She can go ahead and marry any man who can tolerate her. The unfortunate thing is that the first wife is now left with the burden of taking care of her children. For me she should be made to face the law and let’s see if she can defend herself by saying she was jealous.”
 Jealousy, she said, may be a simple word, but does not have such a simple definition behind it. “Though it is a natural human emotion to feel jealous, it tends to get out of control if we fail to tame it. Jealousy affects every relationship or marriage at one time or the other, whether it is a mild or major case. Jealousy can have a big impact on your relationship or marriage if it is not properly controlled or curtailed,” she explained.
Experts said there are various reasons why a woman feels jealous. Jealousy according to them happens when we feel a heightened threat from a rival, we mostly become jealous when we see our spouse having a great time with someone of the opposite sex especially if the person seems a little too friendly. “No matter how your spouse tries to assure you that all is well, another person’s interest in him just raises all your red flags”, they said.
Hajiya Amina Sadiq, an entrepreneur said, “Jealousy occurs in most human relationships at one time or another, whether the relationship is an intimate one or not, it is not immune to the possibilities of jealousy.
“Even in the most secure and mature relationship, jealousy issues still creeps in. It is a normal feeling. Even the most secure, educated, intelligent, mature and independent woman feels jealous at one point in her life. The only difference is that the mature woman knows how to manage her jealousy.”
Experts were unanimous that occasional jealousy is normal in marriage and sometimes keeps the marriage alive, but when it becomes “irrational or intense” it can destroy it.
 What happens when you feel jealous?  Experts said one dramatically become something else-unreasonable, less objective.  “In fact, you become less of everything you want to be and it makes you more likely to lose whatever you are trying to protect,” they said.
 Jealousy, they contended, vary from a very minor issue to an extremely problematic one and always drive a wedge between the most stable relationships. They believed if  left unchecked, jealousy  can arouse fury and lead to destructive behavior. “Jealousy in marriage can be a stumbling block and can eventually erode away a close bond between couples. If you let feelings of jealousy develop and escalate, the mind will run wild, you will imagine your enemy at every corner, question everything your partner says or does. In most cases unresolved and unchecked jealousy has developed beyond the end of a relationship into a long term vendetta and in some extreme cases extended to loss of life”, they said.
How can jealousy be checked?  “Like most other different emotional experiences, jealousy if treated correctly can be a trigger for growth in the marriage. It can become the first step in increased awareness and greater understanding for both partners and the relationship”, expert said.
According to them, “jealousy can be healthy and unhealthy. Healthy jealousy means to guard your territory; it comes from a sincere care and commitment to the relationship while unhealthy jealousy includes lies, threats, self pity, inferiority complexes and insecurity. Healthy jealousy guards the heart of the marriage.  To have an edge over your jealousy try to look at yourself in a positive light and stop feeling unimportant, inferior and having a low self esteem. If you are afraid of something that happened in the past either in a relationship or something else shrug it off and get hold of your self esteem,” they counseled.
Jealousy goes right into the core of the relationship and its roots are deep, it is not something that can be banished by wishful thinking, you have to learn to tame your jealousy.