Yes, corruption is fighting us

Usually at UN functions, many are called but few are chosen. For instance, Stephen Harper, the Canadian prime minister, was in New York but chose to disrespect both Ban Ki Moon and an increasingly lonely Barack and Michele Obama. Harper’s excuse is that it is not compulsory to always show. He went to receive a wooden plaque from a group called Appeal For Conscience for showing religious tolerance. For that reason, I understand that President Jones ordered foreign minister, John Baird to come to Abuja to explain his country’s insolence.

It was very patriotic of President Jones to quickly return to Abuja for the bedroom celebration of the Giant at 52. It is a considerate thing to do remembering that the mother of the nation lies prostrate in a German hospital. There is no need to celebrate – yet. When Mama returns, insha Allah, we shall have cause to celebrate. I understand the Committee of Rulers have been advised not to place any full-page adverts for speedy recover yet but to wait for the grand reception and to ensure they prepare their states’ cultural troupes for an époque reception. Those who have been flooding Aso Rock with proposals on how to ensure global coverage should advice the world press to negotiate with NTA which has sole broadcast rights of the ceremony. Any governor who performs below par should forget reelection. Ditto for legislooters.

As for contractor friends of Wadata Plaza who are grumbling, I hear it on good authority that with floods, killings etc, the Federal Executhief Council would soon announce juicy contracts for the demolition of structures and people standing in the way of the president’s re-election in 2014. The President gave the assurance months back when he announced that the dividends of democracy would start oozing from every pore come 2013. New York shop owners grumbling about low sales due to Mama’s conspicuous absence should wait.  Mama would soon be on her feet flying extra jets for shopping with her love. Be rest assured that even the exclusive shops in the Big Apple cannot deplete Naija’s petrodollars.

The President returned enough to personally take over the rescue efforts of the flooded cities, villages and towns. He came back just in time to offer his condolences to the family of students who were massacred in Mubi and to order the arrest of the perpetrators. Usually, they would have gone scot free, after all, what is the cost of life in an ocean of 170 million clueless people? This sense of devotion to duty by a president has not been seen since the Wizard of Ota told Ikeja blast victims that he is not obliged to visit them. It is the greatest demonstration that government is on top of the security situation and that foreign investors have nothing to lose by investing in arms smuggling Naija’s theatre of war.

Now, this brings me to Transparency Ineptitude who have been engaging my president in a mathematical war.  Any student who scores 143 out of 183 has an ‘A’ according to the principle of mathematical zoology. These people were not taught by lecturers at the University of Port Harcourt. How many of them have PhD? People who live in New York and fly in to Hilton to write damning reports about Naija would henceforth be denied entry visa. Their unpatriotic local agents and apologists may be lined up as target practice for Boko Haram insurgents as a huge demonstration that this government is truly on top of the situation.

Tell me, who does not know that corruption is fighting us? Only those who see nothing good in government? A cardinal requirement for appointment is the appointee’s perception of corruption. We don’t need any Transparency to tell us that corruption is fighting us.