A prayer for the first spouse

Having made that initial remark, I advice the good people of Naija not to believe everything they read or hear., especially if it is ‘they’ that are saying it. ‘They’ are always up to no good. German hospitals are inferior to any cottage hospital built under the PDP or President Jones’ Transformation Agenda. The works that Naija doctors working in these hospitals do is only comparable to magic. Usually, when people end up in a German hospital, it is for tummy tuck which is not covered under our National Health Insurance Scheme. This is why spouses are strongly advised not to ration ‘amen’ in such instances.

Coincidentally, this rumour hit the newsstands as President Jones was attending the obsequies of a fellow widow. It was spread by people who are ignorant of the culinary anthropology of Naija’s privileged swamp dwellers. People raised on the polluted waters  of mineral-rich swamps hardly develop stomach ailments. Their digestive systems are stronger than that of the crocodile. Things might take a different turn if they are feted in the exotic and exquisite culinary art of the Arabian desert. Which is why those whose predecessors died in office after a failed treatment near such places should avoid holidaying there like a plague.

Without an official statement from either the horse’s mouth or the eagle’s beak, I prefer not to believe the rumour. If there was truth in it, President Jones would have set up a committee to look into the circumstances that led to enemies gaining access to the food meant for the life of his love. We would have seen another committee to examine which unpatriotic doctor recommended a German hospital instead of the National Hospital for Women and Children with its state of the arts equipment and its affiliation to the WHO and reserved for fee paying VIPs. If it is true that the first wife is in a German hospital, I would expect the Germans to be paid in crispy SLS conceived and federal government approved N5,000 notes. After all, this new notes brings us at par with Obama’s universal dollar.

A first wife’s sickness is a serious problem in an era of the battle for religious supremacy. I suspect that the political arm of CAN led by the firebrand Warri preacher would, on their own start a 24-hour prayer chain for her excellency, the permsec’s speedy recovery. If their prayers are answered, let Boko Haram for ever keep quiet. That is not to say there are no opportunities for the combined team of repentant and active militants not to set up a committee to ensure that this is not a Boko Haram conspiracy to replace our first wife with a Shuwa Princess.

Here is the big deal, I suggest that egbesu boys take over the shielding of the first wife’s conditions from every nosey reporter. This should not be difficult using a thousand impervious umbleras. They should shield the return of the first wife by ensuring another committee to prevent power outage while the plane lands. Someone said an angry minister left with the keys to the new improved power transmission centre. We must retrieve the key. Since the last plane crash, the press have been awash with revelations of the parlous state of the Naija airspace, so, how about a quick committee to ensure that all the instrument landing systems function at least 24 hours prior to the landing in Abuja? What about an emergency contract to touch up the runway of the Presidential Wing of the NAI Airport Abuja and a committee for smooth landing?

Before the first wife returns to her kitchen, a special committee of fire-spitting prayer warriors are needed to exorcise the place and prevent Naija women from becoming widows. I hope the head cook has set up a committee to receive the resignation of all cooks suspected of not wishing the first wife well and to ensure their loyalty even after their retirement in the interest of the nation. Finally, since opposition media have collaborated with the ‘they’ to break the Official Secrets Act, may I suggest that a special committee be set up by Labaran Maku to whip all media into line? This will turn the pain of Naija having the most criticised president from an albatross into an asset – special mention in the Guinness Book of Wierd Records. Here again is another opportunity for a committee. On behalf of all committee-weary Naija, here is wishing the first wife a speed of recover.