Playing the blame game

According to Michelle Givertz, Ph.D. in an article published on the psychologytoday.com website, “When in conflict with your relational partner, do you ever find yourself blaming them for your bad behavior? If so, you are not alone. It is very common during relational conflict for people to see their own behavior as being caused by the other person. Here’s the problem, the other person is likely to do the same, and around and around it goes.”

If this is the case, how often do we own up to our mistakes and take responsibility for our actions?  Rarely, I guess! Instead we look for an escape route and blame someone else for our misdoings even if it is glaring that we failed in our responsibility.

The motivations behind the blame game are natural as nobody wants to be seen as a failure, psychologists say. Many people want to be liked and accepted, and they fear that taking responsibility for a failure will make them disliked and unreliable.  Most people also want to look good in the eyes of friends, coworkers or their partners; so they naturally blame some for their irresponsibility. As a result, people will pass the blame on rather than taking the blame for the problem. This, on the other hand, can be really frustrating for people who are genuinely not involved with the issue but are made to take the blame.

What we tend to forget most of the time is the fact that playing the blame game is only a waste of time and energy. By shifting the focus to “who made the mistake which led to the problem,” the blame game distracts us from why the problem occurred in the first place. It also hinders us from knowing where to take a cue from to forestall future occurrences.

Many have always asked the reason people avoid taking responsibility for a failed task. The reason why avoiding failed responsibility is so popular is obvious. There is lack of motivation and self confidence to own up. This applies in private life just as it does in public. What is a marriage, after all, but a series of attempts by either partner to avoid responsibility, which in turn leads to several arguments and quarrels?

“The trouble with taking responsibility is that, in the end, there’s just too little motivation for it. You lose face or relevance amongst your folk. For this single reason many would rather deny responsibility than to own up to their mistakes and in the process loose the popular relevance and integrity they have always enjoyed,” says Mr. Gabriel Ifeanyi, 38, a banker in Abuja.

“This thing is a two way thing. People who believe in taking responsibility for their mistakes still exist but are rare. They are actually the minority in the society.  There are people who believe that the only way to enjoy integrity as a human being is to face up to what you have done, at least internally, and ideally publicly. On the other hand, given the kind of society in which we live in dishonesty is what thrives. So they would rather go with the trend than own up. If the societal orientation can be changed, the blame game will eventually vanish,” Mrs. Hauwa Isa, an educationist.

Many have also argued that failure to take responsibility boils down to self confidence and positive ego. Some experts have linked the blame game to some psychiatric conditions. People with social disorders, for example, may be tempted to blame other people for their failures or struggles with society.  People who deal with individuals who have such conditions on a daily basis may find themselves in a tight situation as they are always to blame for everything that goes wrong no matter the situation.

In my opinion, I think everyone should take responsibility for their own actions. Everyone is the same and to an extent special. It makes no difference whatsoever who you are or what you do. It shouldn’t matter one bit who you are or what job you do. If you’ve made a mistake, done something wrong or upset someone you have to, should and be made accountable for your own actions. There is no point taking the cowards’ way out and blaming other people because, in the end, you are going to have to deal with the consequences of your own actions.

Hajiya Maryam Ibrahim of Mimi Ventures, Abuja, says “In my opinion I see it as lack of humility. Most of us cannot face the consequences of what we do, not because it might cost us money or prestige, but because we lack humility. And thus we sacrifice our chance of dignity for dishonor. But if you are confident of yourself and your work, owning up to a mistake will not change the prestige you have already set for yourself. Blaming others will in no way improve your prestige but rather tarnish it. Most times this is what I tell my workers. It’s better to own up to a mistake than to blame someone even if you are not totally responsible for it.”

People tend to relish an opportunity to pass on blame for failure unto someone else in a bid to tarnish the person’s image or prestige. The fact remains that the shame is in failing to acknowledge that we failed and admitting to our mistakes.

All of us fail at something at some point in our lives more or less every day. We are humans we are not expected to be perfect. Once in a while we would make mistakes and it would be more honorable to own up than to take delight in playing the blame trade. So take a cue and fix things be it in your marriage or place of work. Owning up to our mistakes instead passing the blame might be that one thing that could fix the whole trouble.